Monday, August 28, 2006

August 28, 2006 - A little faith or little faith...

Today I have found the urge to write in this journal. I once used to find solace here. Instead lately I have found myself avoiding the one thing that used to free my worries...my journal. I find that lately it's not a little faith, it's little faith that I have. Every day is a chore to get through, my concentration is nil. I find that socially I want nothing, I can't wait until the day ends and I dread when it starts. I'm in need of some major mind set that is far from what I have going on right now. I feel like everything I do is some sort of test and that God is indeed doing just that. He's testing me. I moved in with my boyfriend, I miss my house. I miss my friends that have moved on and I have no urge to put efforts into new ones. I feel like my boyfriend is completely disappointed in me and has lost faith in me as a person. I feel like I fight uphill everyday to be something other than depressed and feeling like this person I hate. I find the only time lately I'm at peace is when I am sleeping. I should be doing just that right now. It
couldn't hurt considering what time it is. Tomorrow I promise that I will be back here writing. Whether or not it makes sense to anyone is beyond me, but I'll be back. Babbling and maybe finding again the solace that I have lost. I'm sorry I don't have better news, but at least I'm honest. I hope everyone is well and I promise to keep trying to keep my chin up or at least a little more than it is now. Goodnight all.

6 comments:

Stephen said...

sounds like depression to me. i've been in that hole (occasionally still go there), and i know how difficult it can be to find your way out. in some ways, it feels good to be wrapped in that dark cloak. take care of yourself, and do what you need to do, but you don't have to feel that lousy. meds helped me, talking to another caring human helped me. remember to breathe. and keep in touch.

Zee said...

I agree with Stephen - definitely sounds like you're stuck in that depressive spiral that is SO hard to crawl out of. I've been there so many times and each time I just wallow for a while before I realize where I'm at... so I can definitely relate!! Most recently, Avonex has been inducing the depressive state but talking to my neurologist and psychiatrist are getting things back on track. Definitely give your neuro (and shrink, if you have one!) a call - not sure what your sitch is but he/she should be able to at least get you started in the right direction.

Btw - I'm glad you're writing again. I can't remember who I found you through but I was just diagnosed with MS and have been seeking out others who are in this boat with me! Good luck!

Jami said...

I'm 39 and found out I have MS in April. Its really easy to slip into the feeling of just wanting to sleep, sometimes you have to, but I've found that if I'm able to exercise everything is better. My neuro told me that exercise can create new neuro pathways and that is great. Sometimes you have to sleep and sometimes you have to push yourself to get out of bed. Try the latter and see if it works for you. You deserve to be happy and the only person you're letting down is yourself. Good luck.
Jami

Baitulos said...

Grrrl!

I'm selfishly glad to see you are back writing, but sorry to hear of the circumstances...double suck.

I've got nothing to offer you and certainly no words of wisdom, except to say I'm thinking of you...you've had a long haul of it lately and your feelings are understandably quite intense. I'm still rootin' for ya!!! Please keep writing, whether feeling crappy/depressed/down or not...it is cathartic for what ails you, that I am sure.

Namaste,

Linda D. in Seattle

Suzy said...

Gosh how often I've found my own self fighting this terrible battle that you are writing about. Everything is a chore, and I have no interest in much, sometimes. I've lost of few friends from this battle.

When I get to that point I call my doctor and ask for more meds...at least for temporary. Maybe that might help you? Just suggestin'. I also turn to Beth Moore. Are you familiar with her? She is so inspiring and uplifting for me anyway. Check her out if your interested.... http://www.oneplace.com/ Just do a search for her. You'll find her.

God is in the business of helping....He's there for you. I've been by here lots wondering where you've been, now that I know, I'll be liftin' ya up. Hope thats okay?

Jaime said...

I am glad you are back, but I am SO sorry you are feeling this way. Depression is a major symptoms not only of MS but of some of the medications. I have been there and I hope you can find some solice soon!

Please talk to someone about how you are feeling...maybe your neuro can help. I wish you the very best and am praying that you get feeling back to your old self very soon. Please take care of yourself.

Jaime