Wednesday, December 21, 2005

December 21st, 2005 - Reflection

Once again – a Holiday email! Maybe next year I’ll work on those Christmas cards if I'm not so lazy.

After a long year, I find myself reflecting on what matters most in this world. This year my MS tested me to its full potential. I was under the weather for most of the year up until September aside from a few weeks at the end of March through mid April. I fought everyday to keep my head afloat and showed up to a job every day that I hated only to find that I was given a generous severance package after asking for a cost of living increase after almost 5 years. I waited a long time for more work opportunity and a little bit more money. I saw neither. I was blessed enough to start my preventative treatments for my MS, take some paid time off (two months) and land a job that lets me run with scissors. All of it coincided and let me find balances in my finances, fights with stress, create and continue building my online journal about my MS, deal with my therapy side effects, and find myself. I am very grateful for those who helped me along the way find out who I am in my journey this year. I have met many wonderful people through this blog and to those of you who battle with me, we will win the fight. We are wonderful people and some of you are the best friends I've never met. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. Without the support of everyone, online, in spirit, and in person, life may have been a little less tolerable. I am getting back into the swing of everyday life, being healthy once again, and just loving day to day the things that come my way. I couldn’t be happier.

I am taking the time today to let everyone know I have landed back in Michelleville and it's a great place to be in. I've been away for awhile. I ask that each of you reflect on the important things in life. Stop. Breathe. Be thankful. Enjoy your Holidays and know that I am thankful for each and everyone of you to have blessed my life in some way and helped me fight the battle one day at a time. You are all very much loved.

Happy Holidays and safe travels to each of you...


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

November 1st - 15th, 2005

I apologize for the huge gap in my blog. It's been a long tough road the last couple of weeks. Here's a recap to update everyone: I've...

Had interviews with the following:
Fire Protection Company 9
Career Agency E
Thermal Packaging Company S
Map Company N
Thermal Packaging Company S (2nd Interview)
Retail Broker D
Thermal Packaging Company S (3rd InterviewD)
Retail Broker D (2nd Interview)
Map Company N (2nd Interview)
Turned down the following:
Retail Broker D (This really was a GREAT company)
Learned I was turned down for the following:
Marketing Company R (2nd Interview)
Found out is not hiring a position anymore:
Insurance Company H
AND........drum roll................
Accepted a position with: Thermal Packaging Company S as their new Office Manager!

27 interviews total and I found what I was looking for. I was offerred the position on Friday November 11th and started officially yesterday. I can't tell you the number of things I learned during interviewing. Of those, I learned that:
1. Employees should be rewarded for hard work.
2. Micromanaging is for the birds.
3. I am an asset to any company I work for and put my mind to.
4. I can force myself to stop and let things fall in place and finally have the patience to keep myself from stressing out.
I received a number of rejection letters, but one will stand out as something I have strived to hear from my old employer of 4 years. It was a regular rejection letter from Map Company N, typed in a template, except for one thing. It had a handwritten note at the bottom from the controller. It said..."Michelle, It was a very tough decision for us. You are very talented and have a skill set beyond your years. I know you will be an asset to any company you work for. I plan on keeping your resume on file. Thanks and best of luck to you, M" I had asked for a salary at the high end of their pay scale, but I think that they understood what they were giving up in return. That letter showed me that it pays to work hard and it was just the boost I needed to pick me up. I am talented. I am skillful. I will find a position that fits me, my work ethic, and my need to run with scissors. I did. I found a position and I couldn't be more happy. They are paying me what I wanted. They are paying my cobra when it kicks in. They will implement a medical plan soon, along with bonus, 401K, and profit sharing. Best of all, in this position, I get to run with scissors. I'm finally healthy, I'm finally employed again in a position that screams my name, and I've FINALLY slept through the night more than two nights a week since June of this year. Look out world, because I'm not stopping now.

Monday, October 31, 2005

October 18th - 31st, 2005

In the last two weeks, I've interviewed for the following:
Insurance Company G
Insurance Company H
Insurance Company G (2nd Interview)
School District #RRR
School District #RRR (2nd Interview)
Had an offer from the following:
Real Estate Company A
Turned down an offer from the following:
Real Estate Company A
Been turned down for the following:
Food Principle G
School District #RRR
Found out the following isn't hiring until 2006:
Original Insurance Company (My first interview since I left my old job)

It's been a pretty busy two weeks. In the midst of all of this, I've not felt like myself or just felt like crap. I still am not sleeping through the night yet. I've cut out caffiene almost completely. I'm pretty frustrated, but keeping faith that it will all work out. It's all I can do to keep myself sane for the moment. Mike and I have been doing really well. He's been helping me keep my strength and offering me an ear when I need a much needed one as well as my sister. My sister and I, the Saturday before last decided to make a movie night on Friday and most of Saturday. We spent the time doing nothing and clearing our brains. We also had the opportunity to have a group knit with Mike's mom and her friend. It was good useless brain activity. I honestly spent the entire two hours thinking of nothing and it was the best two hours I had had in a long time. This last weekend, my mom, my two youngest sisters (there are four of us), two of my sister's friends and my mom's friend all visited from South Dakota. It was a lot of estrogen in a 990 square foot condo. I was happy to see them, but was exhausted to begin with when they arrived so I tried to keep a happy face. Lacey and I threw Holly (3rd youngest sister) a birthday party on Friday for her 18th birthday. It was a success and she was elated. I have another interview with Marketing Company R on Wednesday. I am keeping hope that I will have an offer by next week and get some sleep by then, too. I am calling the neurologist today to get some sleeping pills. I have had enough pride to last me through many sleepless nights and it's so exhausted, it finally went to sleep. Now it's my turn to sleep.

Monday, October 17, 2005

October 17th, 2005

Today I woke up at 3am, 6am, 8am, and 10am. I'm so sick of not sleeping. I'm exhausted. I think it's time to call my doctor to get something to take to make things a bit easier at night to handle. I just can't not be sleeping anymore. I had an interview today at 1pm with Food Priciple G. They were interesting, but I'm not sure if they were a personality fit. It may have been a scare tactic. I think they might have liked me, but I'm not sure. I had been referred to them by an old boss whom I adored. His wife actually works there. I went ot say hi to her when I left, but she was unavailable. I was not myself today. I was very tired and lethargic. I just had no pep today. I feel a crash coming on again. I started to get this side effect again today that I get when I am really tired. It's an itching of the scalp. I have to ignore it or I'll itch my head until it bleeds because I don't pay attention to how much I'll itch it. It really is something that took me a long time to figure out that what was plaguing me on my head was really "in my head." I ignore it and finally it will go away. Very strange. I feel like sometimes I am going crazy. I feel like the side effects mainly now from my shots are 1. less sleep, 2. hot flashes/freezes (usually cured with aspirin) and 3. a crash in the middle of the week emotionally. I also feel like I have short changed my boyfriend. He has seen me at my absolute worst. It really only can get better with him. I feel like I have put him through hell with this disease. I've been sick almost a year with 2 attacks, sinus infections, iv's, steriods, and side effects with Rebif. I think sometimes I am so selfish and feel he deserves someone without this burden. Someone who is normal in health. I feel like I cheated him out of a normal relationship, cheated him from someone that doesn't need "saving" or a life with someones who doesn't have to deal with what I deal with. Or maybe he wants his life to be this way because it includes me. Just me and no one else that he wants, just me. I hope so because all I want is him. Just him. :o)

Sunday, October 16, 2005

October 15 - 16th, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/16
I woke up at 8am again this morning. I did find a nice surprise though. Mike had made breakfast this morning. It wasn't just any breakfast, it was crepes. I have given him so much heck for having a crepe maker that doesn't work, that he finally caved. Crepes, sauteed bananas, brown sugar, whip cream, sausage, and eggs for everyone. It was an all you can eat buffet for the local in house Sunday rifraff. It was REALLY good. I must complain more often about not getting crepes *wink*. I headed home around 3pm. I helped Mike do some yard work and found it actually helped me to get out of the house and try and wake up. It was also good to get some exercise. I haven't had enough of that lately and with my emotions bottoming out I think it did me some good. I watched a movie then took a long, warm shower. I shaved my long overdue legs. I have been so tired lately, I didn't realize you could grow a small forest around your shins if you were lazy enough. I know, gu-woss! It was soooo worth shaving. I managed to change the sheets to the favorite ones, too. Mike headed over at 9:00pm to watch Grey's Anatomy. I love this show. I have become totally addicted to it. I used to be a huge ER junkie until George Clooney left, then I just gave up. Too many people coming and going after that. In fact, I gave up television until about 4 mths ago. I have never really been a tv watcher for the last 4 years. Too busy living life, I guess. Someday maybe I'll have enough material for my own tv show. It's just the question of who gets to play me. Any takers?

I was so tired this morning. My shot last night that I took at 1:30am hurt very badly in my left leg. They have been hurting more and more lately and bruising. I had trouble sleeping last night and was up at 8am to make it to an association meeting for my condo. My sister and I headed home from Mike's after he cooked us hash browns for breakfast. He's so sweet sometimes. Lacey and I headed home, ventured to meeting then tried to nap for a bit. We ended up cleaning up and heading back to another friends house for a soup & sip day. Lots of chicken noodle soup, 7Up, and campfire later, I was exhausted. We headed back to Mike's around 10:30pm. I was out cold at 11:50pm, and low and behold, no sleep. I just don't get it and I don't want to. I just want some shut eye.

Friday, October 14, 2005

October 14th, 2005

Today was such a beautiful fall day. I slept in and it was fabulous. It was a cool breeze coming in my window very early morning that helped and I was grateful. I figured out how to finish my reload of my computer and it seemed to be working great. I looked up directions to get to Marketing Company R today and wouldn't you know it, got in the car and forgot. They are two miles from my house to this place and I forgot where I was going. I amaze myself sometimes at the ability to forget even the littlest things. Sometimes remembering the easiest word on the end of my tongue is the hardest thing to endure during the day. Thank God for Google. Long live them both :o) The marketing company was impressed with me as was I. The position was for Executive Administrator to the President, they understand the demand & salary, and I understand what they are expecting and looking for as far as pushing limits, creating a new atmosphere and living up to and exceeding expectations with an emphasis on ownership. It would be a working heaven as far as I'm concerned. The lady screening me was recruiter for them and I will, if I am recommended will be meeting with the president when he returns from China this next week. I am hopeful on this one. Lacey, and I headed to the burbs near Mike's house to meet Mike and around 8 or so of Mike's friends. It was a fabulous time for everybody tonight and for the first time, I looked in Mike's eyes and saw him seeing me. He just looked at me with this look that said "Don't ever leave me, I love you." I must have given it back, because he smiled at me and I never felt the way I did just then. It's the spot where you feel secure, and happy, and scared to death all at the same time and you just can't help but smile because you just want to burst with happiness and tears if you aren't careful. In the end I know we'll be ok. It's just getting over the hill sometimes that runs you out of breath.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

October 10th - 13th, 2005

Today I ventured out and ate lunch with two of my old coworkers. I got caught in a phone interview with another insurance company just before I was to leave, got caught in road construction as I was driving and stuck behind an accident on the way. Again, Murphy's law. Damn that Murphy guy. He is SO annoying. I did get some new software for the computer today because my computer is now inoperable completely. It won't even let me add/remove programs in the control panel or even restart. It's way beyond just a glitch. I started to reload it tonight, but it was still in need of some professional help from my friend. I got as far as I could with my computer "guru" status for today. I stopped by the office to give the HR guy some moe bills that have rolled in for paying under my health care severance conditions. I hate insurance companies. They are not so much fun, but I am grateful they exist. I also really didn't miss my job. People complained about picking up my slack and missing me. I missed them, too, but not my actual job. It was definately time to make a move. I did sleep again tonight for half of the night which was better than nothing. Right now anything is better than nothing, looking on the bright side because the less I sleep, the less of a bright side I own.

I woke up today. I felt like a brick has hit me and my whole body just aches. I opened my eyes and quickly I retreated to my pillow with absolutely no strength. I had to go to the bathroom and I quickly just ignored it and kept my eyes closed. I was too tired to get out of bed. I thanked God today I didn't have a job, let alone any interviews. It was just one of those days. I spent the day doing laundry at Mike's and then off to home. I was so tired, I couldn't wait to get home and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I ended up back at Mike's tonight to sleep. I wanted to see him again and cuddle with him. We had one of those talks where you just lie in bed and do nothing but recap the day. You talk and talk and talk and before you know it, you've fallen asleep on one another and you have no idea when. It's a good feeling.

TUESDAY, 10/11
Today I tried desperately to work online again to find jobs and apply. I started called people to locate software for fixing my computer. No such luck as of yet. I had an interview with Career Agency Y. They were a little weird. I don't know that they when I was said and done and leaving even had a position for me to apply to. They seemed impressed with my qualifications and skills tests though. I came out 89% or higher on most areas of testing within windows. I was so nervous taking them and I always forget how to set margins in word, excel, and in access for printing. Ugh. Note to self: remember margin setting before next skills test with someone. I also had an interview today with real estate company A. They were very impressed with me as was I. I like their position description and it seems like something I would really enjoy. We'll see on that, too. There is lots of waiting in the job finding game I'm finding out. I headed to Mike's house tonight to hang out with him. Things seem a little bit better between us. I still don't know if it will change, but it seems as if Mike was starting to understand what I need. Just someone there to help me through and be there when I am too exhausted to travel to him, too tired to think straight, and too ridden with lovely Rebif "side effects" and I think sometimes I am going crazy. I am grateful for him. I love him. A lot. I finally slept through the night tonight. I figure it was about time. I hadn't really slept in the last 2-3 days again and it was wearing on me. Again.

MONDAY, 10/10
I spent this week trying to work at finding jobs online. Guess what? I didn't find any! LOL. I'd say mostly because my computer is fritzed out and broken. It works intermittently. I found lots of places to apply that were actually interesting though so I worked as best I could. Today I had an interview with Broker A. There were south of the city and very intrigued with me as I was them. The kicker? They want someone with Exec Level Experience, an in to Marketing & Sales and Inside Sales Experience, but they want to pay them Entry Level Admin salary. I guess people expect a lot these days for nothing. Oh well. We'll see where it goes from here.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

October 5th - 9th, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/9
This morning I felt better about my decisions, but felt awful from crying and felt awful about telling Mike that he just wasn't there for me. I hate being the messenger, but it's been plaguing me for awhile. Especially now with everything, I am just someone who would rather have one less thing to worry about. He kissed me on the forehead and on the top of the head and left. We had a good conversation this morning, but there is a lot of unknown. I don't know how to relay to him that I love him dearly. I want to be with him forever. I need him here. Period. Life is so testing sometimes. Good thing tomorrows are always better sometimes than todays. I went to bed early again tonight, but to no avail, minimal sleep. I have decided that if this doesn't get better, that it's back on sleeping pills to knock myself out at night. Is it really worth injecting myself 3 times a week when I'll not sleep and make myself sick anyway? I wonder.

I slept all right. I slept until 2:00pm when my boyfriend finally called me back to tell me the wedding today was at 4:00pm. There is no way I would have made it. I slept 16 hours straight and still felt as if I'd been hit by a truck. Ever since my injections have started, it's only getting worse in the sleep department. I sleep 3 nights a week through the night. I think it's around the time that I physically am exhausted. I pray that this gets better. It has to. I am so feeling as if I am alone. Even with my boyfriend around I feel alone. I feel like he doesn't make any sacrifices when I am at my worst. I went to the wedding reception. It only made me feel worse. All these people so happy and my debating whether or not my boyfriend is ther for me enough. I decide that he's not. A couple cocktails over the hours and watching everyone and I decided it's definately not enough. I left early and went downtown to be with some friends I haven't seen in ages. Some because I spend my weekends at my boyfriends in the southern suburbs, but mostly because I have been sick so much that going out on weekends is out of the question. I had a good time, but was met by one frantic boyfriend at home. I told him that I think we needed a break until he can be there. I told him I wasn't going anywhere, but that I just needed to have one less thing to worry about. I have too much on my mind already. I can't be worrying about whether someone will be there when I am at my worst. It was a long night. I cried more than I have in two years tonight. I think it was long, long overdue.

FRIDAY, 10/7
Again, online trying to find jobs, but my computer is nearly inoperable. I call an old friend at my last job who asks if he can help out by helping me get a hold of my original software for reloading. I had my meeting with career agency Y today. It went fairly well I think. The position they have available seems challenging and rewarding both personally and financially. I won't find out if the company is interested until next week though. Oh well. Well I knitted a bit tonight. I'm working on a new scarf for me. A really wide striped one that will be hard to "keep" when finished. My boyfriend forgot to call me back tonight. We have our last wedding of this year to go to tomorrow and I still don't know what time it is at. I went to sleep at nine o
'clock and fell asleep from pure exhaustion. Three days with no sleep is just too much for me to handle. My sister is done this weekend and the house was so quiet, too, that it was good to be alone. I was so crabby and upset that I can't stand myself today and Lacey just doesn't need my aura to disturb her happy day. She had an interview with BIG SCIENCE company A. They are phenomenal and found her by chance. They are intrigued by her and I didn't need to ruin her mood.

Again a try to find a job, go to sleep early, and again I fail at both. My computer is infected with spyware from top to bottom. I had a second interview yesterday with unsaid insurance company and met with the partner. He was really nice. He said when I left "Too bad I have an assistant already." I think that was a good sign. I have a meeting with career agency Y. They sound like they have a promising position. Again, I didn't sleep hardly at all. I figure it is just coincidence. I can't go another night without sleep. I am really up and down today, too. Very crabby and pushed to the limit personally.

Today I applied for jobs all day. I got this weird call around 7pm before I tried to retire. It was this lady talking about natural disasters. I wasn't up much for preaching by solicitation. I told her I didn't have time to talk and she asked me to look up a verse if I had time: 2nd Timothy, 3rd Chapter. I didn't get around to looking up the verse. I just tried to finish online and go to sleep early. I was in bed early, however, sleeping didn't not happen. As much as I tried, no sleep. I guess there is tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

October 4th, 2005

I applied for around 1o positions today online, and I have a second interview tomorrow with unsaid insurance agency that I liked. It was so humid today again that I didn't care to go out interviewing anyway. Hot too. 98 degrees hot. Just as I prayed for rain, this nasty black cloud appeared adn voila, rain. And again no power. Just as I finished dying my hair no power. Just as I was showering, tada, no power. I finished showering in candlelight. It was not romantic if you just were going to ask me that. I was getting ready to go out. Mike's sister's birthday is today. I finished getting ready in the garage. I finished my makeup and blew my hair dry right next to my luggage set and my box of tools and my tent. Again, not very fun. Just as I shut the garage door, changed clothes and opened it, I could see my building had power again. Grr. I am Murphy's (Law) nightmare lately. One thing after another. One day I will write a book and laugh at all the things that have happened to me in life. It will be funny. Very, VERY funny. I'm not kidding about it being funny. I was once stuck in a revolving door. Do you know anyone else this has happened to? I didn't think so. Ever had a mustard bottle explode over you, the ceiling and your father? I didn't think so. Stick around some more and keep getting to know me, you'll eventually understand what I am referring to if you don't already. I was finally off to wish Mike's sister a wonderful birthday, say hi to Mike's parents, and other sister and drink a few cocktails. Two hours later, one botched karoake song, and a 1 1/2 block drive to Mike's sister's house, I slept on the couch. Mike's sister's friend also slept on the couch so I had feet and street light in my face. The trade offs we make to not drive home after a cocktail or two. Not a bad trade if you ask me in the long run. I'd take feet in the face vs. orange issue jumpsuits anyday. That's just a smart idea. Besides, orange is only really for cool skin tones.

Monday, October 03, 2005

October 3rd, 2005

Today I slept. I was so tired from the weekend that I recovered today. I studdered a little bit more. I noticed it's a new thing I've got going on when I'm exhausted. It happened last weekend when my sister and I were playing that lovely game Mental_Floss. (P.S. I highly recommend if you are useless trivia buff.) I'll just add it to the list. It was so humid today, just walking across the room was exhausting. I hate humidity. If there is one single element that will aggravate my MS it's humidity. I hate humitidy. I think I already said that though. I turned on the air and stayed indoors. Sometimes I feel like I miss summer more now than I used to, just because the heat and humidity combination is too much to handle. It's not worth the fuss of nearly collapsing to see a little sun. The things we take for granted, huh? I applied for around 15 positions online with today. We'll see where they lead. I was off to bed early tonight at Mike's and I missed him bunches. He hugged me so tight when I finally got to his house and met him in bed that I almost lost my breath. I felt like I again came home for the second time and again it was just as missable as being home with my parents.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

October 1st - 2nd, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/2
My mom sent us home with so much food, Lacey and I won't have to cook for a week. We're grateful, too, because we are lazy fools looking for jobs. My mom is so awesome like that. Still takes care of her girls when we aren't looking. We drove home and it was late when we returned. An 11pm arrival home and again off to bed at 1am. Grr. Good thing Lacey and I both had the day off. :o) Ok, I have more than a day, but you know what I mean.

Up and early today at 7:30am. Off to the local University homecoming parade. You know, in ten years my sister and I have never watched the darn thing. We had been too busy marching in it for marching band. Yes, we are a family of nerds. We took the liberty of watching to two younger sisters both play flute in separate bands in it. Yes, again, we are a family of nerds. Musical, lovable, humorous, nerds and we're close so don't knock it either. LOL. It was a good time. My sister Lacey had a graduation party for college at my parents house today starting at 4pm. It was adorned by more lovable family & friends. I had one beer. It's all I could stand. I was so tired, I had been studdering earlier in the day from no sleep anyway. I figured I already looked stupid, no need to push the issue. I was so full from helping my mom cook that I couldn't stomach any beer anyway. One rowdy drunk aunt and uncle later, a bunch of laughs, and a quick clean of the backyard and again it was 2am. Time flies when I am home. It seems that every night is a 2am night. As if that makes sense eh?

Friday, September 30, 2005

September 26 - 30th, 2005

FRIDAY, 9/30
Day 3, no interviews. I met Mike for lunch today for the first time. It was nice. I miss him so much sometimes. Even after I've seen him for 3 days, I leave and ten minutes later I wish I were still near him. I think it scares him to death just as much as it sometimes scares me. He's so shy and quiet. I'm the out spoken one. Somehow we're just good together. It's like the lyrics from the Howie Day song: Collide.
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide
Today my sister and I drove to South Dakota. It was a nice drive with two ferrets and my sister's friend, Shannon. It was long drive, though, that I have not taken in awhile. I feel bad for not coming home more often. Two Diet Mountain Dews and four hours later I nearly climbed the headliner of my Jetta trying to get out of the car. I was so sick of driving. It was good to come home. Good to see my mom, my dad and my sisters. Good to come home to family. My family. My crazy Barnum and Bailey, downright lovable, squeezable, irreplaceable family... Man, I missed them more than they know. My sis and my sisters two friends and I ventured to the local hangout bar, Lagers for one drink and one taste of local rifraff. We ran into my aunt and uncle visiting from Omaha, a nice surprise. We hit the one grocery store still open at 1:30am (it's a small town) and headed home. One flatbread pizza later and we were off to sleep at 2:30am. I never sleep when I get home. Good thing I've been taking it easy this week on my "pseudo vacation". Hahahahahaha.......

Day 2, 3 interviews. Today I met with career agency X and an insurance company and an old food brokerage with many people who I used to work with. In the mix mostly were Admin Asst. positions, one regular, one executive. The good thing about my situation, I get to be picky. I get to find what I want to do without sacrificing money or my mindset right now and that is a good position to be in. Like winning the lottery if you will. I went to Mike's today. I asked him if we needed to take a break. With everything going on. Can I concentrate on finding a job, being sleepless 4 nights a week, and having a boyfriend who seems too busy? I'm not sure. I think we talked, but I don't know how much we worked out. I love him dearly, I just need him more "here". I'm hoping that he sees that. Soon.

Day 1, 1 interviews. I slept in. You didn' t think I wouldn't take advantage of that, would you? Of course not. Let's consider reality here. I'm on a pseudo vacation. I love that word, pseudo. Anyway, I have an interview today (first one!) with a motorcycle manufacturer that likes me a lot. I like them, too. They were fun at the interview. Mike's mom called to wish me luck on my interviews and see if I was enjoying my "pseudo vacation". Told you I like that word. I like Mike's mom, too. She really is a sweet lady. I'm glad we started talking. It's good to have a "mom" when yours isn't the closest. My mom is 4 1/2 hours away and even though she gives me a big "I love you" and an "OOOOH-AHHH" (hug) via phone, sometimes you still need someone around to tell you mom things to your face. I hope it works out with this company. It's a run with scissors position and hey, I've been known to run with scissors. I am not feeling too well tonight. I feel like crawling under a rock. Mike was supposed to go home with me to South Dakota on Friday and he forgot and other things came up. I feel like it is just bad timing with everything lately with us.

The people at work threw me an ice cream social on my last day. I'm excited and scared and nervous all at the same time! I feel like a kid with a new license! I finally left at 2:00pm today. Of course, being me, I cried on the way home. I realized on the way home reading my card, that my boss had wished me good luck. I was surprised, yet not. I did a good job for him no matter how crappy he treated me along the way and I will find a job that challenges me, keeps my potentials high and pushes my limits again. So help me, I will. I have full faith.

MONDAY, 9/26
Today was my last day of work with the company that I am soon parting ways with. It was bittersweet, yet sad. I realized that my boss has been avoiding me at all costs, but snapped just one last time at me for good jackass measure. I'm wondering why I let him treat me the way I have for so long. It reminds me of the time I cleaned out my "friends closet" and drew the line in the sand with those who refused to go the extra mile in the friendship marathon of life. You just have enough. I needed this push to show me how I had enough of being an employee who is no longer challenged. In a way, I'm sad that people that I have seen grow with me over the last four years will be somewhere else day to day. Every day that goes by though, I realize that this is my best interest.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

September 24th - 25th, 2005

I spent the whole weekend doing absolutely nothing. It was the first time in a long time that my pajama's were my staple wardrobe and I did next to nothing. Let me recap what I did for two days at Mike's house with my sister (she stayed the weekend with me).

1. Slept in.
2. Bought game called Mental_Floss with my sister.
3. Played Mental_Floss for hours with my sister.
4. Visited my boyfriends mom with my sister. I love this lady. She is awesome.
5. Took nap. Yes, with my sister. Hey, we can do this. We're sisters!
6. Went to bed early and not with my sister.

I'd say the weekend was par. No, above par. Getting some much deserved rest and relaxation and bonding with sister proved very valuable, not to mention just what I needed to cure a rainy weekend. :o)

Friday, September 23, 2005

September 23rd, 2005 - Day 3 No Power

Day 3 and no power. I was at work most of the day so i didn't notice. It finally was on though at 6pm tonight. It was so nice seeing myself in the mirror when I got home. I was thrown an impromptu going away party from the people at work at the favorite local hangout in the northern burbs - Hankerings. It was pretty fun and sad all at the same time. I'm going to miss those people dearly when I leave. They are good people. You never realize how valuable you are sometimes until you've come and gone. I was told by many that I taught them how to hold your head high in spite of being kicked down a time or two. I appreciated that. I was also told that I exited my position with grace. It's good sometimes to be who I am. I'm pretty sure that's a good person, who in spite of everything, tries to do what is right and even if that isn't always the case. I still sleep at night, so to speak. Lacey and I headed to a going away party when I got home from my work party to wish our friend Erin a happy departure from Minnesota to Colorado. Our friend Robin returned from California as she had watched her dad die in the hospital from liver failure. I'd say that the night had just about enough "personal limits" within our group of friends. We all cried, laughed, and pulled ourselves together, together. It's good to be loved. May all of us be just that if nothing else. Loved. At 1:00am, I managed to venture to Mike's house with Lacey and crash, but not without being pulled over first. Apparently my license plates were overdue for renewal by um, 23days. I didn't even notice. The police officer asked me if I had a rough night to which I responded yes. I must have been believable because he wrote me a warning ticket. I guess for some reason he must have seen the love that night, too.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

September 22st, 2005 - Day 2 No Power

Still no power yet today, but I was at work most of the day so I didn't mind. The fridge was still cold and the freezer wasn't opened, so they were ok. I had a double charge from the pharmacy today on my Rebif. They DID end up charging me for the titration pack that they screwed up on. I called them and they credited my pharmacy account to accomidate for the difference. I was happy, but kind of irratated that they didn't fix it to begin with when they said they would credit. Oh well, stuff happens sometimes. Somestimes stuff happens alot. It's just a fact of life. It's been raining this week. By raining, I mean stacking pretty high in the crap department. One day at a time I keep saying to myself.
Running deductable update:
In house network remaining: $21.20
Out of network remaining: $300.00
***Today I found out my cousin's husband has neurofibromatosis. I know nothing about it. I made a mental note to research and find out what I can about this disease. Knowledge is power for sure. I found out that it is very strange, just like MS. That was very indepth in the thought department I know, but it is a strange disease. I trucked my sister and two dogs to my boyfriend's house tonight to take advantage of the simplicities of life, such as electricity. I didn't get that shower this morning and I figured by tomorrow I would be pretty ripe. I don't care for my boss, but I like the other people in my office enough to spare them from pure agony of my unshoweredness. ***

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

September 21st, 2005 - Day 1 No Power

Today was so hot and humid. I stayed indoors during lunch and I worked still to clean off my desk some more. I hid from my mean boss, not that I needed to. He's not said one word to me since my meeting of severance/parting. I'm glad, too, because I don't need the added stress. We had this whopping storm today that ripped through where I live. It took out the power at about 7:30pm and flash flooded the parking lot leaving my sister and I to struggle to move vehicles. Hers unfortunately had water come in the door line. I couldn't put my car in the garage, thanks to the power outage. It was a long night of fumbling around. Good thing I had some captain crunch by candlelight to cheer my mood. LOL. I headed to my boyfriends house to sleep and get ready in the morning. I needed to be to work on time or early tomorrow and I needed a little shower to boot in the morning. I didn't want to take my chances with no power. I luckily took my shot while we still had lights. Too bad I didn't take it in the dark. That could have been so romantic. *laughs*

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

September 20th, 2005

I agreed yesterday to take the severance and work through the week to clean out my desk and to pass the work on smoothly. I did this because I do love my job, but it's not rewarding anymore. I also love the people I work with so leaving them hanging was not something I would ever do if it could be avoided. I'm just that sort of person. I am loyal to the people who are good to me. Last night my sister gave me my injection. That was a little scary and a little painful. My fault mostly as I told her to go slow and she went slow. Really slow. Too slow. LOL. It smarted a little, but we got through it. Both of us. I was short of breath again today and took a little aspirin/ibuprofen combination and nipped that side effect in the butt. I worked on my resume today throughout the day in the middle of "cleaning" off my desk. Today I must say was calming, overwhelming, and scary all at the same time. On friday, the HR guy and I have agreed to talk about the remaining transition and my last day. I slept so good tonight. Maybe it's because I didn't have to worry about my boss belittling me anymore. Maybe it's because I know I have a whole other world ahead of me. Maybe it's because for the first time in a long time, I know that I will have the resources to stay home, sleep, and take care of me and not worry financially what will be taken care of. Maybe it's all of the above. I've already got leads, not solid ones, but leads. It's better than none, that is for sure.

Monday, September 19, 2005

September 19th, 2005

Good thing I got some sleep last night to prepare me for the events this morning...
Item #1. I was up over a half an hour early this morning.
Item #2. I left for work 15 minutes earlier than I normally do from my boyfriend's house to tackle the day with my new found gusto.
Item #3. An exit on the freeway was not marked that it was closed.
Item #4. I called a half an hour earlier than my start time to say I was going to be late.
Item #5. I was informed that after asking for a cost of living increase I would be offerred a nice severance package instead.
Item #6. I took unsaid severance package.
Item #7. I breathed a sigh of relief and texted my boyfriend the terms of my severance.
Item #8. I think my boyfriend danced a jig and then called me to find out the details.
I was told that quote "I know you are looking for more money, and you just aren't going to get it here. It would be in your best interest and in ours, if you went and looked for more opportunity. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. We'll pay your severance through XX/XX/200X. " I agreed to take such severance and then I almost breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't too upset in all actuality because after being treated like crap from my boss and wasting my potential for the last couple of years, It was time for a change anyway. Time to set my wings a flapping and fly towards something more rewarding after 4 1/2 years at the same job. Go Gidget. Go.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

September 18th, 2005

Today I took a long overdue nap. I was up a little too late last night. Not way late, but late. I didn't even really have an appetite either. It was one of those days where you walk in a fog until around 3pm. I did manage to shower and head to my friend Suzy's house around 8pm. I visited my girlfriend Suzy for a little bit while her husband and my boyfriend tried to fix some pipe leak (all in all, total entertainment I must say. Imagine two grown men stuck in a room that is 5x5 for 4 hours.) Mike and I headed home around 10 and did manage to hit the sheets early tonight which was good for me, for sure. It's been a long time since I could do that and actually sleep. All in all, for doing absolutely nothing it was a pretty good day and since I slept all night it was good night, too. :o)

Saturday, September 17, 2005

September 17th, 2005

Today I slept in and enjoyed what I thought would be a calm Saturday. I was right. It was quite calm and I took advantage of it to its fullest. I hung out in bed for a post wake up siesta, then ended up grabbing a long overdue oil change and a chat with my old pal Tattoo Mike, (Yes, I know like 10 Mike's) who happens to work at the auto shop. What a coincidence. I headed back ot my boyfriends house after and managed to grab a bit of relaxation and a bit of alone time with him, too. At 5:00pm I managed to venture home and figured out how to raid my overgrown beast of a closet and emerge with something fabulous to wear. My sister Lacey and I figured we would hit the two dollar an hour happy hour with a friend downtown at a seafood place I love. A pseudo date if you will on my part. I'm so sneaky sometimes. Other times, I'm as sneaky as a mac truck on a dark highway with high beam on. I grabbed the mail on the way in the door to find another bill. This one for my MRI. The grand total $5,097.00. Good gravy is all I have to say. I feel like it shouldn't be so much for a radiologist to stick my neck & body in an oversized microwave, but whatever I guess! My sister and I hit happy hour running and it was good. There is something rather tasty about a $2.00 cheeseburger. Why are they tastier than regular ones? Can someone tell me why we get high off "free" or "dirt cheap"? After dinner we grabbed a cup of coffee across the street from happy hour Zen. I was feeling pretty good for a change today, all day and even through the night. The depression has subsided and the side effects have finally gone back to the place they came from -- a 1980's cheesy scary movie (They were THAT stupid & irritating). Life sometimes seems as if nothing has ever changed, that I'm dreaming and I'm going to wake up to normalness. It still remains a dream to me. My dream.

Friday, September 16, 2005

September 12th to 16th - Injections 9, Big 10!, & 11

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16th - Injection #11
I'm so dang glad today is Friday. I can't focus on much today. I'm so tired that I didnt' even wash my hair. I picked out something cute to wear, second guessing myself on that, too, before work. I've never second guessed myself in ten years like I do now. I make a decision today that Monday I will ask my boss what I can do to get ahead or get out of this "slump" I seem to be in in my job. I just can't let the curiousity kill me anymore. I am so tired of wondering what I do wrong, which I think is probably nothing at best. I finally let it go. I ate a package of Ramen noodles today for lunch and no dinner. I just wasn't hungry. I went home after work to pack a bag, do a bit of knitting and headed to my boyfriend's house for some comfort, security, and consoling. I definately needed it and I still feel like I'm honestly going crazy. Going to bed early was my best option yet today. I was out shortly after my shot in the leg. It hurt again. I hate doing my shots in the leg. They sting there. Oh, heck, they sting everywhere. Even my ego stings from them.

I am so tired again today. I struggled to get to work today and walked in at 9:00. Everyday am wondering why I let my boss, boss me around so rudely. He yells out his office at me everyday as if I was some little kid stealing cookies. He snaps here and there. I feel like I'm ten again trying to win my mother's approval at something I've done to impress her when I've only made a mess doing so. The harder I try to be nice to him and work for him, the more I fail. I give up today and mind my own business doing other work. I was so hungry today. I joined the fax order for Chipotle at work for some lunch. Man, I love their steak burritos. They are the size of my head, but sooooo good. I ate only half of one and didn't eat dinner after it either. Maybe that was still a little of the depression I've been feeling. I must say though, today was much better than yesterday. Yesterday was the worst day yet to date on side effects.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14th - Injection #10 (Oh, wahoo.)
Today is the worst feeling yet. I feel so depressed. I'm driving to work today and I get this thought in my head. It says "Maybe you should just drive into oncoming traffic?". What? No. Not cool. Way too weird. I told that voice to go to hell and kept in my lane. All day, back and forth. Up and down. Secretly, on top of everything, I think my boss hates me. He questioned me printing a personal printout of a dress two hours after my mandatory allotted working hours and questioned me on it the next morning (after accidently leaving on the printer) as if I had robbed the place. Nicely written on the bottom "Clearly business purpose. C." Nice, huh? Then he proceeded to snap at me for mixing up two letters on a medical citation. I swear I've had enough. I went to eat Chinese food today. I might have well ordered the Chinese Soy Sauce Salt Block online. 2000mgs of MSG. It turns even lovliest toes into Vienna Sausages in a snap. Amazing. I asked the HR guy why I didn't even recieve a cost of living increase and could he research some feedback since I've not had a review in over four years. He said he would. I appreciated this considering my mind has been wondering if I am really that bad of an employee. I doubt it greatly. I got home tonight and burst into tears. Actually it started on the way home from work. I am so miserable today. I can't think straight. I am going nuts, I think. I tried to look up online the side effects of Rebif. I think that some severe depression is setting in today and I feel literally like I am going crazy. I bawled for 2 hours. I went to bed bawling and after a text that said "things are not normal" to my boyfriend, he appeared when I least expected him to rub my back and kiss me on the top of the head. It helped for a bit, but more so I think the 30grams of amitryptelene I snarfed an hour earlier had finally made its way to my brain. I drifted off to sleep from exhaustion. Man, injection #10 was not on my top ten list tonight before I headed to bed. Today I officially hated this stupid disease to it's fullest. Period.

Today I got to work and I was short of breath. I had pneumonia once, it felt the same way. Our pharmacist at work told me to take a tylenol and advil combo like I do for my injections and boom, it went away. I tried to get some Ambien out of him, he just laughed. He knew I was joking, but secretly, was I? Hmm... maybe, maaaaaaaybeeeeee not. Today at lunch I added the MS prism ribbon to my blog. I like it! Very cool. Took my mind of the fact that I think I'm losing it. My mind, that is. I feel so down today. I tried for the life of me to discipline myself tonight to go to sleep. I figured that would help in some way. Guess what happened? Murphy's law happened and it stormed. Man, that Murphy guy is a pain in the...[technical difficulties, please stand by].

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12th - Injection #9
This week has been an interesting and yet, rough one. Lots of mental tests. Monday was injection #9 - 22mcg of love, er something like that. All went well. I noticed the red spots stay for around a week and then are just gone and then they just reappear. GRR. I received the bill today in the mail for my 5 days of IV therapy. $1442.86 which is being submitted to my insurance. I also found out my insurance company has been counting my IV therapy towards my OUT OF NETWORK deductable, so what that means for my reimbursement from work is up in the air. If it's not one thing, it's another. Shot #9 in the hip and I slept through the night, but only because I think I was so exhausted from yesterday that my body had no choice.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

September 11, 2005

Ah, the damned voice was back in my head again at 9:00am and stayed awhile asking me why I thought I was going nuts. I did manage to lie in bed with my boyfriend this morning and talk and I tell you what....It was the most sane 2 hours I've had in a week. He is my strength, my calming agent, and I would be lost without him. Over the last month we've gotten really close and I can't imagine what I thought love was before because each day it changes for the better despite my/our challenges with this dreaded disease. Sometimes it would be so much easier without it, but MS'ers just can't be going around saying that. It won't happen unless there is a cure someday, so we deal with what we are dealt. I managed to grab a cup o' coffee at my friend Crissy's for a bit and chat with her which was nice. My sister came out to my boyfriend's house this afternoon and we hung out for a bit, cooked up some food, and admired the new clown fish that Mike added to his aquarium. Clown fish are so serene and shy. Much like my attitude lately, which is NOT me. I'm usually the comic of the group, the one person to cheer everyone and on the inside, I'm not even close to par the last few days. I spent a couple hours over at the beach on the lake a mile from Mike's house with my sister. We sat and talked for a couple of hours. I tried to cheer her up even though I was super bumming inside. She's been here a month and without a job after graduating college, is a bit stressed out. I convinced her that things would be fine. Now if I could only listen to myself. We are our own worse enemies sometimes, arent' we? Well, I made it home after I had another nice hour and a half talk with Mike. I finally broke down and started crying. I just couldn't take it anymore. He again, picked me back up and carried me with a little laughter. I can't imagine what my life was like before he was in it and I don't ever want to. Faith and fate brought me where I am in my life and he showed up when they crossed. He let me know that he loves me today for the first time out loud and I must say, after that, I felt a bit better. Instead of tears of frustration running rampant while driving home, somehow they had turned to tears of happiness and I for the first time in a week, told that stupid little voice where to go.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

September 10th, 2005

So I was in bed way wee hours late this morning and I woke up at 10:30am with nausea and a dog licking in the face. I really don't know what was better or worse. I got up and took the puppies outside to get some "fresh air". They seemed happy and I think the neighbors loved my p.j.'s. If they didn't, oh well. I'm too tired to see straight. This morning I now realize the error of staying up too late. I quickly retreated back to bed and in a hurry. I tried to sleep and finally succeeded at about 1:00. I slept until 5pm. Man, I was exhausted. I managed to miss 5 phone calls, 3 from my boyfriend and the phone was right next to my head. My boyfriend and I had a steak fry tonight for the fire deparment he volunteers for. It took almost a bulldozer pushing behind me it felt like to get enough energy to just get ready, but I did it and managed to look normal to most people. Mike noticed right away that I needed some sleep and pointed it out to me. We had a great time eating and conversing. I managed to wake up and enjoy my food. There is a remedy itself in free barbequed steak, I think. I tried to stay chipper and it was working. It helped when the quizzing of our relationship started and Mike answered all questions with tact, including when am I moving in. ;o) When it was over we ventured accross the street to some friend's house for a bit of a bonfire. It must have been enjoyable, because again I was up way too late. By way too late, I mean midnight on a weekend at this point. I was quickly off to bed soon thereafter and crashed through the night, but not until after I drove myself crazy thinking before bed. What is wrong with me today? Why am I so down? Why do I have no ambition or gusto and it's the weekend? I shut the voice up and we both slept sound only to reappear in the morning, full gusto.

Friday, September 09, 2005

September 9th, 2005 - 22mcg Injection #8

Another Friday. They are just bittersweet, I must add that point. Everyone of them gets sweeter as I get crabbier, less sleep, and more up in the air about how I feel about anything. I did get up on my own this morning and felt really rested as far as my sleep goes last night, though. Work was ok, busier than usual and I didnt' mind. Anything to take my mind off the fact that I may go no where in my job until I find a new one. I did a lot of work today though which was good :o) My friends Bob and Melissa flew in from California tonight and I managed to get out with my sister and eat a little something out downtown in Minneapolis and have a cocktail or two. I must say that it was nice to get out of the house and not for a function of some sort. I hadn't been downtown in awhile just to go and relax and it felt pretty good. In fact, it's been pretty much all summer that I've had a free weekend with no agenda or some major event and I was very grateful. It was also the first time that my sister Lacey and I have hung out in over a month since she moved in. I was up way too late though and finally made my way into p.j.'s early Saturday am. I was so tired though, I hardly noticed what time it was anyway. I took my injection then too, because I forgot earlier. Lacey was there to help me through my "mental block" that has been plaguing me the last couple of shots. I slept immediately after that and I didn't hear anything after I closed my eyes, not even myself arguing with myself. I was just too tired to.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

September 8th, 2005

I have totally fallen in love with sleep. I miss it so. I yearn for it. I need it. Yep, going a litle crazy without it. Oh well, we'll meet again some day *laughs* I had a Dr. Appointment today at 11:30am with Dr. Francis. I almost forgot. I frantically ran out of my office at 11:15 and walked into her office at 11:32. I made good time. Well my MRI's came back and they showed that I had a new lesion I believe around T2 or T3. That would explain the pain in my back while lying down and why I've been numb with this attack from middle back down to my toes. She noted that a lesion I had in my neck has significantly improved as well. As far as my cranium, who knows. There were four lesions before and it may be awhile before I get the updated progress on those. Today, again, I just don't feel like talking. I also don't feel like eating too much. Main meals and eats today = soup & caffiene. I came home from work and pretty much grabbed another bowl of soup my sister made me and off to bed I went. I'm so crabby and tired today that I just told my boyfriend I'd talk to him tomorrow and off to sleep I went. I didn't sleep much though. Figures.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

September 7th, 2005 - Injection #7

I got up this morning and again I feel like my rear end is dragging somewhere about a foot behind me. I wish I could magically stun myself to wake up sometimes. UGH. Mornings are such a pain in the A**. (Kids ask your parents what that word is.) Two sunkists, two coffees later, I was awake. My skin is horrible again. I think it's because I've been living on caffienated beverages and pizza and or soup for my main three meals. Not too healthy if you ask me, but I just don't care lately. Again today, I'm just quiet and totally not myself. I physically, aside from being tired, feel awesome. My feet have finally almost returned to normal. Still waiting on the bottoms to have feeling return, but for the most part, back to normal. Mentally, a whole different can of worms. I can't figure out where my mind is, I can't concentrate, I can't say what I want to say when I want to say it, and I can't figure out words to say either. Upstairs, I need a vacation. I called the pharmacy that fills my Rebif for my insurance. They only do one month at a time prescription filling. With my insurance mail order pharmacy, they do 3 months at a time and charge you 2 copays. With name brand drugs, it makes the price drop to the generic copay. With the pharmacy for my Rebif though, no such luck. I'm starting to hate my insurance company. I'm guessing, in fact I'm sure, that I'm not alone on this one. I feel like someone should get their CEO drunk on a consistant basis until 1/2 of the inconsistencies are gone. HEY, I thought it was a good idea. I'm sure thousands of other people who have it much worse than I would agree. Tomorrow I have my follow up with Dr. Francis. She's such an awesome neurologist. I love visiting her. Seriously one of, if not THE best doctor I've ever had, besides my PA, which I also LOVE. The thing that makes or breaks a doctor for me???
My good doctor requirements:
1. Consistency
2. Communication
3. Taking time to call you personally
Both do that and they are both, in my book, worth keeping as long as possible. Tommorrow we'll see how those MRI's faired & what their reports had to say. They only did thoracic and cervical, but it will at least give an idea of what's brewing beneath the surface {insert meniacal laugh here. reference: BU WAH HA HA, The Count, Cruella DeVille} I feel like I should have giving courses tonight on injections. My sister was around for the lucky number 7 on September 7 - ooh, the coincidence. She was asking me about my rebiject pen (which I have so lovingly nicknamed "the stabber") , asking why I don't use it, how much do I inject, does it hurt, etc. It was kind of nice having someone to talk to. She's the only one I've let watch me inject myself. It seems that every day I have to do these injections, the more I mentally try to talk myself out of doing them. Not getting easier, but harder. Last night I was back in pep talk mode and I almost said to hell with it. Maybe it's just from being tired, but I ask myself, "Is it worth doing?" I decide to can my thoughts and go to bed early. I just can't be thinking like this. I don't have the health or the patience. I made a good choice though because I almost slept through the night again. That hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes, it's just batting 100. Period.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

September 6th, 2005

Today I drove into work from my boyfriends house and a normal 20 minute drive to my house took me 45 minutes. There are times I wish I could magically "clear a path" in traffic. Too bad mystical powers are something I haven't quite perfected. I'm still keeping out hope though. It's such a shame nobody can hear how many curse words I can place in a row on constant streaming. Almost like radio, if you will :o)~ Good thing my mom doesn't drive with me to work or she' d have the Dove Soap on tap ready to fill my mouth. I just hate stupid drivers. They irritate me. My dad always told me "Michelle, it REALLY IS NOT YOU I am worried about. You are an excellent driver. It's the other IDIOTS I worry about." Now I know what he was talking about. Today I was so just "not there" I managed to finally sleep through the night again. It felt so good, but morning just arrives too quickly. I feel like I haven't sleep since July. Probably because in all honesty, I really haven't. I'm getting more and more wore out by the day. Up and down my emotions go. I get this "Bumming out" that I just can't explain where I just don't want to say anything or talk to anyone. It's strange. I'm not rude, just quiet, which is quiet unlike myself if I do say. Today in the mail I received a handicap sticker application from my Mom. She sent it from South Dakota. Since I have a South Dakota license, I figured there would be less tape. Totally lazy on that one. I've had a South Dakota license for the last 8 years I have lived in Minnesota because I simply refuse to believe that I should have to take the written test because I'm from another state. What could possibly be different 300 miles west? Who knows?, I never opened the book to find out! Man, I'm horrible sometimes. It's that whole Polish thing again. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn... Off to bed tonight at 12:00am. I was so wired I couldn't sleep. I finally cleaned up my room while I had some energy and can see the floor AND my bed again. Such a nice treat from a laundromat explosion that seemed to occur earlier. Good thing no one was injured in that one ;o)

Monday, September 05, 2005

September 5th, 2005 - 100TH POST & # 6

Ah, it's Happy Labor Day, no work, my sixth injection today and my 100th post! I don't know what I should be more happy about! Probably no work! Today I planned to venture out on the lake with friends, but after the storm last night the humidity has soared up and through the trees (with no leaves now, due to hail). The temperature has also soared to around 90ish degrees making this day an impossible day for most MS'ers to enjoy outside. I don't even care much though. I'm so happy that it's another day off that I took the liberty of power lounging indoors and finishing a project that I was knitting and starting another. The WHOLE day I might add that I spent this way. My phone didn't ring, I didn't call anyone, nothing. Just me, my knitting needles and my quiet time. I can't tell you how quiet it was. I ate a little grilled food tonight which was awesome, but really haven't had an appetite today. I do feel a little bit down and I really haven't said anything of anything today. I feel like I'm snappy from exhaustion and almost a little depressed. I try to just be quiet most of the day and knit to take my mind off thinking about it. I make a mental note to mind how I feel in case it becomes a regular thing. It's a side effect of Rebif to have a bit of depression and since it runs in my family, I don't want to swing the pendulum anymore my way if I don't have to. I decide to retire early tonight and by my early, I mean around 10:00. I took my injection in my right leg with no problems. There is still a rash on my left side of my belly and a bruise on my right leg yet though. I wonder when they will go away? Soon, I hope. I crashed and hard, but to my dismay 3 hours later was up with the most annoying phenomenon. Sweats, chills, fever, and nausea. I even took my Walprofen and it didn't seem to ward them off at all. I don't know why, but tonight was the worst night yet. I was up until 4:00 am and I was crabby, cold, and hot and cold and I think the dog was ready to kick me out of bed. I don't blame her one bit.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

September 4th, 2005

Today was recovery day from being up all night dancing and then being up all night from a storm. I made it to breakfast at 11:30am with a bunch of friends and then off to bed I went. Not too much too tell. I had the best steak and eggs this morning which took my mind of the fact that I had a cigarette or too last night. I know. Naughty. Sometimes weddings bring out the best of us AND the worst of our habits, i.e. a little imbibing or a lot of imbibing depending on your relation to the wedding party members. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Isn't that always the key part of that phrase??? "AT THE TIME?" I paid the price for it though. ONE GINORMOUS HEADACHE! (and rightfully deserving I was, I WILL admit). I headed off to bed and took a nap all afternoon. I finally got up around 5:30pm. I needed the sleep. I noticed that I spoke too soon and I quote, " I've not had any site reactions at all". I forgot to knock on wood apparently because my tummy on the left side now has a rash and my left leg has one, too! Poo! Good thing no one can see them. I finally made my way up and over to a friend's house for a dinner bbquizzle (bbq if you will). Good thing I didn't have to cook, because the only thing on my menu that night: cereal. Thanks Sean for making some very mean bbq beer ribs. I owe you. Off to bed at 9:oopm and I can't even tell you how thankful I am that tomorrow is a holiday. Happy Labor Day No One Has To Work Day!!! Cheers!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

September 3rd, 2005

Ok, so last night I went to bed at 2:00am and this morning I COULD NOT sleep in. I was up at 8-flipping O'clock. That is up way to early Saturday when you were up way too late on a Friday for those of you who don't know what 8-flipping O'clock is. That leads me to ask myself "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?" Grr. I just got up. I can't sleep as hard as I try. Today Ryan & Jillene are getting married. I feel like ick in everything I wear today and the weather has tipped in at a nice balmy 60 degrees. Brr, and it's started to drizzle now, too. It's not a real great day for a wedding in my book, but we're rolling with it. I ventured out to find something to make me feel a bit less of a weirdo. I don't care how big or small you are, sometimes you just don't feel comfortable in what you wear. I've gained a little weight back, but my clothes just fit weird lately. I found this little black long sleeve, sexy number that was made out of tee shirt material after an hour of trying on everything under the sun at the mall. It screamed, "Wear me I'm comfy and I feel good". I finally decided on some white capris, that became peddle pushers with some cuffing and an iron and I got to wear heels. I was so excited. Since my episode has taken the greater part of the warmer summer months, heels have been totally off limits. My feet were so happy and so was I. I finally felt sexy after two months of blah. Totally worth the wait. The wedding was beautiful. As for the weather, it downpoured 20 minutes before the ceremony was to start and most of the reception dinner which flooded the tent we sat in. Oh well, life isn't perfect. Jillene was stunning, Ryan was handsome as ever and the two were in my book, perfect together & happy. I sang them a rendition of Allison Krauss' "When You Say Nothing at All" at the ceremony to which they were grateful. I didn't know all the words and winged it, but they didn't care, nobody even noticed much I don't think after the open bar, LOL. I was off to bed at 2:00am and I was exhausted. My feet felt great after dancing and my heel excursion, but I needed some sleep. The storm of the century landed at 3:30 and kept me up from 4:00am to 7:00am. I was trying to sleep through it, but with ping pong ball size hail it was impossible. Par for the course though, as it was a beautiful day in the end, I felt beautiful and sometimes a good storm just helps cleans things up and put things in a whole other light...

Friday, September 02, 2005

September 2nd, 2005 - Injection #5

So today is Friday again and how sweet Fridays are. I was actually at work until 7pm finishing work that had been backed up from upgrading our servers for the last two days. Why I stayed, I have no idea? I just did. I never go home before I am supposed to. Always a half an hour or more later than the time I am supposed to leave. I gave another two bills this week to our HR guy today to reimburse for health insurance.
Running totals for this year since March:
In network deductible remaining: $237.68
Out of network deductible remaining: $810.28
Fortune Teller Say: "I see a deductible met here very near in the future, give me five dollars". My 5 days of IV treatment and two MRI's haven't even hit the numbers yet. Geez, medical stuff is outrageous. I took off finally at 7pm, packed some bags for the boyfriends house and off I went. I'm so happy this week is over. Between taking care of a petting zoo while my sister is out of town (2dogs, 2 ferrets) and trying to keep my professionalism and my calm this week, I'm exhausted. I actually only stopped for a bit to drop off my bags because I was off to some pre wedding festivities with some girlfriends. My friend Jillene is getting married tomorrow so I have yet another wedding to attend tomorrow. They just keep coming! So many weddings, so little summer. I played sober cab to a few girlfriends who were enjoying the festivities (Crissy and Robin were so cute all giggly) and finally hit the sheets at 2:00am. Before I hit the hay, I maneuvered injection #5 in the left leg. I just figured I'd rotate my sites in clockwise order so I don't get confused. (It does happen, ask my mom.) So far, that routine is working well. I did it and I think there's a little less phat, er fat in my leg than my tummy and it bled for a little bit. I did it when I came home at 2:00 am because I forgot earlier during my bag drop N' run. Oops. It seemed to smart in the leg a little, too. I'm going to have to check my chart and where/how to measure distances for injections again. That's twice now it's hurt and the last 3 times there wasn't anything. Maybe I'm overthinking. It's been known to happen. I slept like a brick tonight. Plop, bang, done, out. I probably should have been to bed a bit sooner, but how often do people you REALLY like get married? I'd bet in all honesty, of all the weddings we attend in our lifetime, only 10% are people we REALLY like. The rest are obligations. Not that I don't wish people well, just saying... Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

September 1st, 2005

Today I took off for lunch and made a run to Joann fabrics to get some yarn to finish a baby hoody project that I've been putting on hold for the last three weeks due to my little episode. Still upset about "el raiso", too, so I needed to get out of work for a bit. Oh well, I'm a little less upset about it each day. Just keep doing your job I tell myself. I noticed that my spot where my injection was last night is turning a bit red and is getting more sore. I think for sure I injected in the wrong spot now. Oh well, I sure won't try and do that again. My feet feel so good today and especially tonight walking across the cold hardwood floors before bed. I feel like dancing. Yum. I went to bed early tonight and slept completely through again. Three out of five nights a week is definately more than I could have asked for a month ago, so I'm not complaining one bit. Be thankful I tell myself that things luckily have returned to normal after my attacks. Some people are just not that lucky. FOOTNOTE: My room looks like it BLEW UP. Some people are just not THAT lucky, either. From the looks of my tornado, er room disaster, you'd think my hands were numb!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

August 31st, 2005 - Injection #4

Ah, today I have a headache and rightfully so. It turns out after four years and asking for a raise they "feel that my salary is adequate for my position". Meaning either they can't afford a raise for me let alone a cost of living increase, which is crap, or they think I'm meaningless. I'd say they are just a bunch of cheap asses. What a slap in the face. I think that a cost of living increase is at least in order after four years and not one dime more increase than when I started. I realize money doesn't grow on trees, but I've also put in my time as well. I'm very frustrated. Paying for medication, additional prescriptions and little medical expenses here and there along with gas rising faster than my mom's beer bread, has put me in a position of health vs. skipping luxuries. By luxuries, I mean things, like groceries, haircuts and shampoo. Grr. I take a deep breath and try not to think about this today. My boyfriend calms me after I break the news. I go to lunch with a coworker, also named Mike and we have a nice chat. Not about any work stuff, but just a nice chat. I calm down. I try not to let anyone see that I'm indeed upset. I know that I do good work and that's all I have to remind myself of. Things work out in the end and sometimes in the most mysterious ways. On a lighter note, my guestbook on this site went wacko and then magically fixed itself! Yea! (NOTE TO SELF: Do back up of guest book entries). Today I must say that in spite of everything, I smile a little smug knowing that I am a good person fighting my own battle and that I with my mind and head high will beat anything that comes my way. I'm just THAT stubborn. I get it from my mother. She says Pollacks are indeed the most stubborn people on earth. I believe her. Sometimes not in a good way, but most of the time we stick to our beliefs, morals, and ethics. My family is just good like that. Plus, in a mean game of Polish Golf, also known as ladder golf, I'd take them as partners any day... Injection #4 today and I did the stomach fat area, I mean hip area, and I think I didn't get the fatty enough part, because it smarted a little during my injection and it had a little blood. I'll have to measure and pay more attention next time. Good thing is though that I had a minimal prep talk (seconds) and away I went :o) I think next time, I'll just do an "AND GO!" On an icky note, I was up last night with the weirdest dizzy/nausea combination. I did take my ibupro- excuse me, WALprofen, but it felt like I was awake and dreaming and the same time all while feeling like I was going to throw up. Well I was awake, but I wasn't dreaming. I really did feel like I was in a stupor of sorts. I was up for around 40 minutes then off to sleep with no problems. I think it helped just to ignore it and close my eyes. I'll remember that next time. Close eyes. Don't think. Try to sleep. Ha, same protocol when someone is talking to me I don't want to talk to. *wink* That's easy to remember. I'm horrible sometimes, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? *smirk*

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

August 30th, 2005

Ah, and I slept so good last night that I didn't want to get up either. I ran a bit late on my leaving for work time, too. With dogs in tow, I made my way to work. I brought them with me and pulled into work right at nine, just in time. Sometimes I feel likes it's so hard to get out of bed and just get ready. Half of the time I shower every other day or at night to save time. I also feel horrible for walking in the door right at nine or a few short minutes after. My boss hates it if I'm even 2 minutes late. It's very frustrating when other people will walk in or sneak in fifteen minutes or more late and in jeans to boot which is not even up to dress code Mon-Fri. I ignore the double standards and we're all happy, sort of. Ok, enough complaining today. Sometimes I wish I was a stay at home bum or mom (in due time) working on my accessory designs and my knitting. Mike, my super nice boyfriend (yes, that's his name), picked up the puppies from my work about 45 minutes later and dropped them off at my house. I was grateful. He put my mind at east for the time being and met everyone in the office. Up until today, they thought him to be friends with the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause. Yes, he exists. LOL. Today I found a site online called Multiple Sclerosis Sucks. Very funny stuff. I got their permission to link today via email. I've placed them under MS links. Check them out if you need a laugh, two or ten. They also have a forum for MS'ers to chat. I also got a nice email from Jenny who has linked me on her site and wrote a very nice entry titled Inspired about my blog. I must thank her because I too, went from laughter to tears all in one read. People who stop by and keep saying nice things about my blog is so inspirational. They are definately things I can look back to when I am having a not so good day and your comments keep me lively. I still have a headache today. I've taken aspirin and nothing works. I think maybe I'm dehydrated. Ok, yes, I am. I never drink enough water and I'm positive this is my problem today. I started a new knitting project this week, I'm super excited. Takes my mind of my headache, or should I say lack of water? I retire at 10pm tonight because I am exhausted. A little bit of lassitude, I might even say. I didn't even brush my teeth I was so spent and lazy. Phooey... I slept good though, so that makes up for my stinky choppers. (MOM: Please do not give me crap, I already know that is gross.) ;o)

Monday, August 29, 2005

August 29th, 2005 - PART B: My Day & #3

At lunch today I found that syringe needle snips from B&D at Walgreens and it was only $4.99. The nurse from Rebif, Karen, told me about them. I have had a couple of you readers ask me about them and since the Rebif syringe are the same gauge as diabetic syringe you can use them. No more ugly sharps containers or figuring out where to dispose of them and they fit right into your serono travel bag they send you. [P.S. Rebif people - your nurse was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!, if I didn't say it before). I also picked up some WalProfen and stuck it right into that bag, too, so I won't forget to take it when I do my injections. That's Walgreen Ibuprofen for those of you who didn't figure it out by now. So creative those WalMarketing Team members are. I have had this craving for tomato soup for lunch lately and it's the only thing that tastes good. I've had tomato soup like four days in a row now (besides my Mexican exursion last week). I'm weird somedays. I just get these cravings for food like I am eating for two. I'm not, mind you, but I feel like it when the "crave" sets in. I went for ice cream tonight at Dairy Queen because it was another "crave". I wanted this S'more Galore Parfait they used to make with marshmallow cream, hot fudge, graham crackers, and lowfat vanilla yogurt. Tell me THAT doesn't sound yummy. Yea well, apparentely they don't make them anymore. I improvised. Marshmallow cream, hot fudge, vanilla ice cream, and Oreos Blizzard style. It came out similar only like chocolate s'mores instead of regular. For those of you who don't know about this secret phenomenon, they now sell chocolate graham crackers. Yes, for lack of a better phrase, you got screwed as a kid, but didn't we when we were kids. There was always something we couldn't have. I highly recommend my concoction. Oh, and order the small NOT the large or you won't eat for two days and you'll be high from sugar. I got dizzy after I finished the overgrown beast of an ice cream cordial. Probably because my blood sugar was high as a mensa IQ. This afternoon I was perusing blogs and I found an interesting entry from Say It Isn't So about family history. It made me think about my family history. My mother has Myasthenia Gravis, also an autoimmune disorder. My sister Holly always jokes she wants one for Christmas. I think she's funny, mom not so much I don't think. She was diagnosed on Thanksgiving weekend in 1991. I told her it's funny how that diagnosis date is emblazoned in your head forever, forever, forever, echo, echo.... Injection #3 went well tonight. Again, in the back fat, er...hip on the opposite side. I've been lucky so far as I've not had any site reactions where my injections are. Tonight we're down to a two minute pep talk. No stabbing yet, but I don't care. It doesn't hurt just pushing it in, so I don't ever feel the need to "stab" myself. My fears will never have to be confronted [ha, ha, ha, I'm laughing, cuz I can!!!] I've noticed today all day that I have had a headache again, but it's pretty dull and unnoticeable. I've noticed that my dizziness is starting to go away as well as my clutziness so maybe I just had a touch of something that is healing on it's own. If it worsens, I'm off to the doctor, I promise. Slept again through the night, oh how sweet it is :o)~

August 29th, 2005 - PART A: Thank You

I too have had the opportunity of being spammed by auto comments as well as some other bloggers such as Camille. I am turning on word verification for future comments. Hope everyone is ok with that! Also, thanks to those of you who are part of my growing fan base. I have over 20 daily readers on average and counting since I launched this blog on August 17th (although I have backdated entries from my other journals since the beginning of my diagnosis). Also, big kudos to those of you who took the time to sign my guestbook. Your words of kindness are my inspiration to keep doing what I am doing by documenting my daily journal. Hopefully this blog is helping some readers as much as it is helping me on my journey and that makes it worth all the while...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

August 28th, 2005

Sunday. The weekend is shortly coming to an end and SO SOON. Grr. Where does time go? I spent the whole day today doing nothing, but knitting. I sat outside, enjoyed the weather and planted my rear end in a chair. I'm not even a teeny bit guilty for it either. I almost finished a project I've been working on for a monthy. A lovely baby hoody for my friend Suzanne. I feel so peaceful today. My boyfriend and I just hung around the house alone and spent time together. Well, he tackled a little lawn work, too, but I wanted nothing to do with that. I was too busy holding down the chairs to keep them from blowing away. Oh, I did do one more important thing today. I did go look for a syringe snipper at Cub Foods Pharmacy and Snyder Drug Store, but I couldn't find them at Cub Foods in the general pharmacy area and Snyder Drug and the actual Cub pharmacies were closed for the day. I'll have to venture out tomorow and see what I can find. B&D makes them and I'm sure they are everywhere, but unfortunately everything was closed. I don't think maybe I'm just clutzy, because I shut my eyes and stared at the ceiling. I almost fell over. I tried three more times. I think I may have a bit of an ear infection, which doesn't surprise me since I've been such a clutz the last two days and have been asking my boyfriend to repeat everything today. I ate a little more today again. I snarfed a couple of tuna croissants, with tomato of course, and I got this HUGE craving for chocolate chip cookies. My boyfriend was kind enough to comply with my urge and ran and got both! I baked them up just before bed and snarfed them down with some milk and off to bed I went at 11:00.

*****I think they were therapeutic because I didn't wake up once tonight during the night. I'll definately have to try that sort of therapy again. Soon. Like maybe tomorrow night. And the night after maybe, too. (wink)*****

Saturday, August 27, 2005

August 27th, 2005

I slept in until 10:30 am. Hmm, yummy...that's all I can say. I feel like a million dollars today. Although I am still as clutzy as ever. I forgot to mention that yesterday I did the following:
1. ran into a cupboard 2. dropped and broke a bottle of nail polish 3. accidently slammed the oven door and sent everything on the back of the oven sailing onto the counter 4. dropped my make up bag and exploded eyeshadow everywhere 5. fell down the stairs 6. hit my elbow like 5 times.
I think that I am getting used to being back in "checks and balances" with my equilibrium and sense of depth perception. I feel like I need some goalie pants and a helmet. (You can laugh, it's VERY funny.) Today I dropped a bottle of foundation, took out a row of books at borders and tripped a couple of times. I feel like a I should have a warning label somewhere on my forehead. On an even funnier note: I went shopping today with my friends Robin and Crissy. We were picking up a gift for another friend and stopped at Don Pablo's for lunch. They were offering Carnitas on special for $9.99. They sounded awesome and not much food does these days, so I ordered them. She then asks me if I want chicken, pork, or steak? I asked her if this was a trick question. I always thought Carnitas was pork, but I said ok, I guess I'll take the pork-pork. She laughed. My dogs were a little more sore from walking today, but I didn't care. I was up, dressed, had full make up and was out of the house. I even threw a little styling in the hair for the first time in 3 weeks. I stayed up until midnight tonight lauging with some friends as they played poker together. I knitted and relaxed, but it was a blast. It feels so good to feel so much better and it shows in my face now. Ah, the things we take for granted.

Friday, August 26, 2005

August 26th, 2005 - Injection #2

WAHOO it's Friday. I am so, so happy to say that. I feel great today. I feel like my feet are just heavy and half asleep. My legs are almost back to normal and my back and rear end as well as far as feeling goes. I'm still continuing to lose weight. Maybe that dimple is NOT coming back until winter. Again, I'm not complaining. Today I had my other MRI at 12:45. I am also leaving at 3:30 today. I'm so excited. I'm taking that last Friday's other 1/2 of a 1/2 day of vacation. Say that three times fast. I drank down a can of tomato soup for lunch and I got there right at 12:45, I figured I already filled out what they need for paperwork on Tuesday, so hey just be on time. I was right. I walked right in and tada! into scrubs. Speaking of scrubs, I stole two pairs on Tuesday when I was there. The nurse said she was "looking away and didn't see a thing". LOL. I figure that if they are billing me upwards of 1400.00 for an MRI, they can bill me if they really want for a 10.00 pair of scrubs. *laughs* All went well this time. It wasn't 15 minutes as they suggested, but an hour. Oh well, it was lunch time. I left today at 3pm, grabbed by bags, and animals and headed to my boyfriends house to relax. I luckily remembered to grab my medication, too. I almost forgot that AND my DiGornio pizza. Either one would have ruined my evening if I had to go back and get them and/or replace them. I threw in my pizza, knitted a little and got out the little Rebif needle again. Injection #2 today. I narrowed my pep talk down to 4 minutes. I figure by next week, maybe 2? Anway, it wasn't so bad. I gave it to myself in my right hip area. They call it the right hip area. I call it back fat heaven. For some reason, the fat has crept up there as I age. Good thing that's my only problem area. Wouldn't it be nice if you could say...relocate your fat to places more useful? Like, um, your chest? Now I think I'm just wishful thinking. My headache has been here since Wednesday even with Ibubrofen. I also forgot take some after my injection. I was up in and out of sleep all night tossing between two temperatures: freezing and sweaty. Oh well, serves me right for forgetting. Next time, I'll lay them on the counter with my medication so I remember. At least I went to bed at 10 so I got some decent sleep after all.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

August 25th, 2005

Hmm, carpet on the feet is niiiiiiiice :o) Got a little feeling in the bottoms of my feet today. I have had a headache since yesterday afternoon though. Maybe from the injection, I'm not sure?? I don't know if the dose was big enough, but my stomach also did a couple 180's about two-five hours afterwards, too, so maybe it was. About my MRI from Tuesday. I don't mind MRI's, just to clarify. Thanks for the pointers from everyone, I totally agree. Tune out and blare up the music. I minded that my neck hurt so bad from being in a crooked and/or weird position for an hour that I was literally tearing up from the pain. My neck has been sensitive since a car accident that I had in 1998. The panic claustrophobe thing set in after I realized how much pain I was really in and if I moved it would only take longer. OH, and P.S. they called back again today (the imaging people) and they need me to come back tomorrow again for yet, more MRI! I ate the biggest meal I've eaten today in over three weeks. It wasn't a whole lot in overview, but for me it was huge. My friend Kris took me to my favorite Mexican restuarant near my work. He was on a business lunch so I was treated to a FREE lunch*lol*. I had my usual chicken chimichanga with chips, salsa, rice and guacamole....hmm, yummy. I probably didn't need all that salty food with being dehydrated, but I just didn't care. My injection site healed over nicely. Not a lot of swelling at all, just a couple of pinpoint size scabs from my um, "test stabs" (if there is such a term). I've heard some theories on viral and/or viruses maybe being a potential cause for MS and started doing some investigating on this. I was late on my childhood diseases. I didn't get the chicken pox until 4th grade and they were horrible. I've always wondered if anyone else was a "late bloomer" on any of the stuff you run the course of when you are little? I passed on dinner, snarfed some Strawberry Newtons and went to bed tonight at 10:30. It was the earliest I have been to bed in awhile. I only woke up twice and once was for a nice soothing rainfall which put me right out again. Two things I love to fall asleep to: 1) a nice steady, rain and 2) small airplane engines humming (I live near a very small airport). Yes, I'm aware that may just be a little strange. Oh well...par for the course :o)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

August 24th, 2005 - Injections Start


*****I must say that today I feel a whole lot like Michelle and not some weirdo named Michelle trapped in some idiot's body. I have feeling back in almost four toes on each foot. I will even go so far to say that I even feel a little bit pretty today as well. I drank a LOT of tea yesterday and I think that helped with my skin. The nurse came today a bit late, but so was I back to my office because I went on a last minute milk run up the road. It was the second jug of milk today, I might point out because I took a big swig before I left the gas station and the first one was sour. ICK. A swig of sour milk will make anything, especially injection training, something to look forward to after. Anyway, I made my way back to office and Nurse Karen was there about ten after 1:00. She went through all the basics [injection technique, rotation of injection, prepping the site, my autoinjector, disposal]. It turns out the pharmacy is supposed to send you what is called a titration pack. It's sort of like a sampler platter, if you will, of different doses to work your way up to the full one. You start at 8.8 mcg for two weeks and then 22 mcg for two weeks. After that box, then they send you a full 44 microgram dose box. Lucky for me, it seems as if they screwed up. They are sending me a titration box tomorrow by Fed Ex Air and guess who gets a month's worth of free medication with no copay. That's right! Moi! I feel like singing. [Singing: "Luck, be a LAAAAAADEEEY toniiiiiiiight...":End singing, spare readers.] And so when all the explaining was done and she got to the needle part and it was time for the first injection, I just couldn't stab myself. I asked her to give me a saline injection so I could feel what a "stab" would feel like, she said no and that I had to get used to it and do it myself. Again I tried and no quick stab. Just could NOT bring myself to do it. I poked myself a couple of times. After that, I just pushed hard enough and it went in. Success for me I was thinking after my hate relationship with needles. I was a little freaked out, but managed to get my first injection in without a hitch after ten minutes of "prep talk"with myself. I do have a slight headache tonight and my stomach keeps turning suddenly sometimes, but the for the most part, I feel good. My injection site looks similar to a minor skeeter bite. If you are from Minnesota like me, mesquitos are nothing. State Bird, if you will. As for me, I don't have much of a reaction to them. They barely even bite me most of the time. Maybe I smell horrible enough after being outside sweating that I even smell horrible to mesquitos *laughs* If this is all my injections entail, I can handle this. We'll see how I fair after the doseage increases to the full amount. Was it anxiety or curiousity that killed the cat? I forget. P.S. I still hate, er, dislike needles. Better word after today? Yea, probably. Now onto the frogs.*****

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

August 23, 2005

I slept like a log last night and today I still look like one (bonus!) dry skin and all . Today MISS FORGETFUL [that's me for those of you who didn't read yesterday's entry yet] did indeed remember to call the nurse from Rebif. The nurse comes tomororow at 1:00pm. I get the luxury of training how to do my injections over my lunch hour and at work yet! Apparently they don't do evening appointments for some reason, but I will make it the best of it. Less room for freaking out, I guess. I can't wait. Ok, I'm being sort of say, sarcastic, when I say that. I hate needles. Hate is such a strong word....hmm, let me think of one more suitful. Yep, I HATE needles. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because when I was five and I went for kindergarten shots, they nurse stabbed me good and I in turn kicked so hard I snapped the needle off while part of it was still in my leg. From there, I was strapped to a backboard and given the rest of my shots screaming absolute bloody murder. Nothing like a little trauma for a five year old. My phobia of frogs I just cannot explain. Maybe I think sometimes they will whip out some frog jujitsu or frog judo and kick my ass? Yea, maybe not. I'll have to work on the cause of that one. My MRI was tonight at 7:30 or should I say 8:00 since they didn't get to me until then? Ok, my 8:00 MRI was decent. My boyfriend met me there and went with me. I was very grateful. My neck hurt so bad during the MRI from not moving that I was making myself sick. I started to do the panic, claustrophobia thing. I wasn't feeling too hot during the last part. Maybe the veggie burger and 1/2 a cup of ice cream I ate today just wasn't enough food. I started to meditate to clear my head and finally, after an hour, it was over. I finally got out of there at 9:30. I tried to look at the scans quick before I left. I didn't see a whole lot. I thought I had seen a couple of lesions that were there before, but the tech will never tell you anything. So I'll wait til Dr. Francis takes a peek and calls me. She'll probably call me fairly soon, she's just a good doctor like that. My sister Lacey stopped me when I got home and was finally eating. The conversation went like this:
LACEY: "So, did they find anything out?"
ME: "Yep."
LACEY: "What?"
ME: "They think I may have MS."
She rolled her eyes at me. (I thought it funny, lol.) She chuckled, then rolled her eyes at me again for good measure. I Finally ate a really good and decent size meal after that and settled into bed to sleep like a log again and with an ounce of good luck to hopefully not to look like one when I awake ;o)

Monday, August 22, 2005

August 22nd, 2005

I'm a tired girl after today. Why is it that getting up in the middle of the night to pee 3 times makes you SO tired? It's like my $64,000.00 question today. Anyone? Anyone? Buehler? I finally felt like myself a little more today. I don't really look like me, but I feel like me. My skin is still horrible and continues to break out from those "damn steriods". I am going to call them that from now on. I don't think "steriods" just does them the complete amount of justice. After seeing everything under the sun in my dreams the last two days but purple elephants, I can call them what I want. "Damn Steriods" IT IS! My appetite keeps getting better, too. I actually had three meals today and some snacks [Dimples, come back!]. The nurse finally called from Rebif to set up injection training for my preventative shots. Guess who forgot to call her back? Hmm, give you one guess? That's right, MISS FORGETFUL, otherwise known as "MOI". I guess tomorrow is another whole day that I can pretend to lose my mind *wink*. My MRI was rescheduled from today to tomorrow so they can scan my brain, neck and spine at 7:30pm and see if I do, indeed, have something in my cranium. Like brains. *laughs* I'm off to bed and way too late again. Keep staying up this late this week and I will be on a first name basis with those purple elephants...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

August 21st, 2005

Today, UP AGAIN AT SEVEN! What the heck is wrong with me? Through all of this, I'm becoming a morning person! That is amazing since before I would never venture out of bed before 10 on a weekend. I got up again, did some laundry and decided that I need to make myself take another nap. The way I looked at it, I thought I may not sleep later, so I would try while I thought I could. I succeeded. I also finished my dose pack today (YEA!, last dose) but I think the steriods are really creepy sometimes and tend to alter your body more than you think until they are gone. I had the following dreams this morning between 9 & 11...

1. I dreamt that my little 7 pound dog Isabelle was paralyzed from the waist down and I had to pick her up and carry her everywhere like a purse. She was like a floppy muppet. 2. I flooded my boyfriend's basement. How?, I have no idea 3. I was winning prizes in multiples, nobel peace prizes, microwaves. Don't ask, cuz it's just too weird.
I shook those off when I got up and chalked them up to weaning off steriods, almost like Nyquil dreams if you will. NOTE TO SELF: If you think you are crazy, you may end up that way! :END NOTE. Today was a great day. I can feel my little toes on the outside, like two on each toe and my legs feel good against of all things, clothes. I did a little more laundry today, knitted a little, had coffee with my friend Erin for two hours [greatest conversation, EVER! :o) ] and I planned a little barbeque at 7pm. I was a busy girl, who in more than a month, felt like a little more like herself...oh, and considering I ate pretty much all the leftovers of the barbeque, I guess I now have an appetite like the girl I used to know as well. Maybe I'll get that lost dimple back.

*****About not sleeping, I hit it on the head. Up four times again. LOL. I must be psysco, er psychic, I mean.*****