Monday, October 17, 2005

October 17th, 2005

Today I woke up at 3am, 6am, 8am, and 10am. I'm so sick of not sleeping. I'm exhausted. I think it's time to call my doctor to get something to take to make things a bit easier at night to handle. I just can't not be sleeping anymore. I had an interview today at 1pm with Food Priciple G. They were interesting, but I'm not sure if they were a personality fit. It may have been a scare tactic. I think they might have liked me, but I'm not sure. I had been referred to them by an old boss whom I adored. His wife actually works there. I went ot say hi to her when I left, but she was unavailable. I was not myself today. I was very tired and lethargic. I just had no pep today. I feel a crash coming on again. I started to get this side effect again today that I get when I am really tired. It's an itching of the scalp. I have to ignore it or I'll itch my head until it bleeds because I don't pay attention to how much I'll itch it. It really is something that took me a long time to figure out that what was plaguing me on my head was really "in my head." I ignore it and finally it will go away. Very strange. I feel like sometimes I am going crazy. I feel like the side effects mainly now from my shots are 1. less sleep, 2. hot flashes/freezes (usually cured with aspirin) and 3. a crash in the middle of the week emotionally. I also feel like I have short changed my boyfriend. He has seen me at my absolute worst. It really only can get better with him. I feel like I have put him through hell with this disease. I've been sick almost a year with 2 attacks, sinus infections, iv's, steriods, and side effects with Rebif. I think sometimes I am so selfish and feel he deserves someone without this burden. Someone who is normal in health. I feel like I cheated him out of a normal relationship, cheated him from someone that doesn't need "saving" or a life with someones who doesn't have to deal with what I deal with. Or maybe he wants his life to be this way because it includes me. Just me and no one else that he wants, just me. I hope so because all I want is him. Just him. :o)

6 comments:

mdmhvonpa said...

As you get older, that sleep thing doesnt bother you quite as much. The middle of the week crash thing .. well, I'm still not used to that and it happens without fail. I'm using up too much energy to make it to the weekend, I guess. BTW: Make sure to get your flu shot. Just got mine. Since you've got a messed up immune system, you are significantly more suseptible.

Oh, and the relationship thing ... that's a tough nut to crack. I feel the same way about the wife. That I'm cheating her. Same for the kids. I just have to pull myself up and carry forth the best I can.

Carrie said...

Hi Michelle Ditto what mdmhvonpa said. However I had sleeping problems too and now I take lunesta. It didn't seem to help much the first few days but now it's great. It allows me to shut my mind off and stay asleep. Just need to cut through the stubborn pride and ask for it. I put off asking for sleeping meds for a few months. Now I wished I asked sooner.

The rebif can cause more depression symptoms. I take an anti depressant. about 1 year ago I would crash Wed or thurs and when I looked back at my work hours 1 year ago I missed at least one thurs or fri every week or so. It was because of an emotional low that I couldn't get to work or stay at work. I am on antidepressants and see a tharapist and I also ended up taking a month off work just to let my mind cope without having to deal with work.

Oh the guilt you fell for your boyfriend is exactly what I feel and say to my now husband. Who the heck would knowingly be with someone they may eventually have to take care of or do more than 50% of their share of the work and effort. Where do these men come from and why do they insist on being with us? I even asked my husband up until the day we married "are you sure you want to be with me and my illnesses?". He says he just wants me and if the MS comes with me than so be it. I don't think that guilt will ever completely go away. Just know we all feel the same way. Like we are damaged goods and why would someone want damaged goods?

camille said...

i have been having a lot of sleep issues for a few months now.i dont mind too much, its just frustrating staring at the ceiling. i usually stay downstairs and watch tv so i dont disturb my husband.i feel like a kid in that aspect not going to sleep till 2 am

SinnerSaint said...

I was diagnosed two months before my wedding. I offered my wife the option to back out knowing the road would be hard. She politely told me what to do with myself! We have been married over three years and have a beautiful baby boy now. The key is to remember we may feel like damaged goods (great example carrie) but to those who love us, like you mentioned before, it comes with the package!

Jill said...

Hi,

I stumbled across this blog while doing a web search for MS, and immediately read the entire thing. I was just diagnosed with MS last Tuesday the 18th so I'm still in the shock/denial/information gathering stage. Thank you for sharing your stories - it really helps to know that others have gone through what you're going through.

P.S. I just noticed you live in Brooklyn Park - I grew up there! Now I have a house in Robbinsdale, so I'm still in the area.

Doug Lee-Knowles said...

About the itching...that happened to me a while back, too. I developed this weird phantom itch on my forearm. I hadn't got any bug bite or anything else to explain it, but I would absent-mindedly scratch it all day long. I eventually called my neurologist, who put me on Neurontin for a few days, and the itch went away. Odd, that.