Sunday, October 09, 2005

October 5th - 9th, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/9
This morning I felt better about my decisions, but felt awful from crying and felt awful about telling Mike that he just wasn't there for me. I hate being the messenger, but it's been plaguing me for awhile. Especially now with everything, I am just someone who would rather have one less thing to worry about. He kissed me on the forehead and on the top of the head and left. We had a good conversation this morning, but there is a lot of unknown. I don't know how to relay to him that I love him dearly. I want to be with him forever. I need him here. Period. Life is so testing sometimes. Good thing tomorrows are always better sometimes than todays. I went to bed early again tonight, but to no avail, minimal sleep. I have decided that if this doesn't get better, that it's back on sleeping pills to knock myself out at night. Is it really worth injecting myself 3 times a week when I'll not sleep and make myself sick anyway? I wonder.

I slept all right. I slept until 2:00pm when my boyfriend finally called me back to tell me the wedding today was at 4:00pm. There is no way I would have made it. I slept 16 hours straight and still felt as if I'd been hit by a truck. Ever since my injections have started, it's only getting worse in the sleep department. I sleep 3 nights a week through the night. I think it's around the time that I physically am exhausted. I pray that this gets better. It has to. I am so feeling as if I am alone. Even with my boyfriend around I feel alone. I feel like he doesn't make any sacrifices when I am at my worst. I went to the wedding reception. It only made me feel worse. All these people so happy and my debating whether or not my boyfriend is ther for me enough. I decide that he's not. A couple cocktails over the hours and watching everyone and I decided it's definately not enough. I left early and went downtown to be with some friends I haven't seen in ages. Some because I spend my weekends at my boyfriends in the southern suburbs, but mostly because I have been sick so much that going out on weekends is out of the question. I had a good time, but was met by one frantic boyfriend at home. I told him that I think we needed a break until he can be there. I told him I wasn't going anywhere, but that I just needed to have one less thing to worry about. I have too much on my mind already. I can't be worrying about whether someone will be there when I am at my worst. It was a long night. I cried more than I have in two years tonight. I think it was long, long overdue.

FRIDAY, 10/7
Again, online trying to find jobs, but my computer is nearly inoperable. I call an old friend at my last job who asks if he can help out by helping me get a hold of my original software for reloading. I had my meeting with career agency Y today. It went fairly well I think. The position they have available seems challenging and rewarding both personally and financially. I won't find out if the company is interested until next week though. Oh well. Well I knitted a bit tonight. I'm working on a new scarf for me. A really wide striped one that will be hard to "keep" when finished. My boyfriend forgot to call me back tonight. We have our last wedding of this year to go to tomorrow and I still don't know what time it is at. I went to sleep at nine o
'clock and fell asleep from pure exhaustion. Three days with no sleep is just too much for me to handle. My sister is done this weekend and the house was so quiet, too, that it was good to be alone. I was so crabby and upset that I can't stand myself today and Lacey just doesn't need my aura to disturb her happy day. She had an interview with BIG SCIENCE company A. They are phenomenal and found her by chance. They are intrigued by her and I didn't need to ruin her mood.

Again a try to find a job, go to sleep early, and again I fail at both. My computer is infected with spyware from top to bottom. I had a second interview yesterday with unsaid insurance company and met with the partner. He was really nice. He said when I left "Too bad I have an assistant already." I think that was a good sign. I have a meeting with career agency Y. They sound like they have a promising position. Again, I didn't sleep hardly at all. I figure it is just coincidence. I can't go another night without sleep. I am really up and down today, too. Very crabby and pushed to the limit personally.

Today I applied for jobs all day. I got this weird call around 7pm before I tried to retire. It was this lady talking about natural disasters. I wasn't up much for preaching by solicitation. I told her I didn't have time to talk and she asked me to look up a verse if I had time: 2nd Timothy, 3rd Chapter. I didn't get around to looking up the verse. I just tried to finish online and go to sleep early. I was in bed early, however, sleeping didn't not happen. As much as I tried, no sleep. I guess there is tomorrow.


Quiggs said...

Hey girl -

Going 6 years now on marriage and it does get easier - but sometimes it is so damn hard. I cried a lot myself this weekend, every once in awhile I need to just let it all out, I feel like a dumbass afterwards and am waiting for Lon to pack his bags but he never does - that is love or an inabling personality..ha..ha..whatever it is, love is the easy part, for me - trying not to f it up is the hard part. I feel for you and can relate - Quiggs

Anonymous said...


I know what you mean when you say you feel lonely, even when your boyfriend is there...I don't feel like my boyfriend is supporting me enough, like he doesn't really care when I'm crying, when all I'm asking for is someone to hold me and say I'll be ok...I live with him though, and even though we're not married, it would still be hard for me to ask for a break, just because I love him and I have a tendency to fuck relationships up...I can't sleep though, because my mind keeps wandering to the fact that I can't find a job, and that I can't seem to keep my relationship alive. Best of luck though honey, I'm hoping for the both of us! -Amanda