Sunday, September 11, 2005

September 11, 2005

Ah, the damned voice was back in my head again at 9:00am and stayed awhile asking me why I thought I was going nuts. I did manage to lie in bed with my boyfriend this morning and talk and I tell you what....It was the most sane 2 hours I've had in a week. He is my strength, my calming agent, and I would be lost without him. Over the last month we've gotten really close and I can't imagine what I thought love was before because each day it changes for the better despite my/our challenges with this dreaded disease. Sometimes it would be so much easier without it, but MS'ers just can't be going around saying that. It won't happen unless there is a cure someday, so we deal with what we are dealt. I managed to grab a cup o' coffee at my friend Crissy's for a bit and chat with her which was nice. My sister came out to my boyfriend's house this afternoon and we hung out for a bit, cooked up some food, and admired the new clown fish that Mike added to his aquarium. Clown fish are so serene and shy. Much like my attitude lately, which is NOT me. I'm usually the comic of the group, the one person to cheer everyone and on the inside, I'm not even close to par the last few days. I spent a couple hours over at the beach on the lake a mile from Mike's house with my sister. We sat and talked for a couple of hours. I tried to cheer her up even though I was super bumming inside. She's been here a month and without a job after graduating college, is a bit stressed out. I convinced her that things would be fine. Now if I could only listen to myself. We are our own worse enemies sometimes, arent' we? Well, I made it home after I had another nice hour and a half talk with Mike. I finally broke down and started crying. I just couldn't take it anymore. He again, picked me back up and carried me with a little laughter. I can't imagine what my life was like before he was in it and I don't ever want to. Faith and fate brought me where I am in my life and he showed up when they crossed. He let me know that he loves me today for the first time out loud and I must say, after that, I felt a bit better. Instead of tears of frustration running rampant while driving home, somehow they had turned to tears of happiness and I for the first time in a week, told that stupid little voice where to go.

4 comments:

mdmhvonpa said...

That support group you have is probably the best medicine for MS. Sure, the voices IN your head can be raucous and loud ... but not helpfull. The calming, reassuring voices OUTSIDE your noggin are the ones you need to listen to ... or at least give some recognition.

alli-babe said...

I don't know what your going thru...can only say that...I think your a very strong person. I'mma punk when it comes to anything that hurts or gives me displeasure. I admire you...your linked as "Inject B Poistive" on my page....

Eriksgirl said...

Michelle,

I am so happy that you are in love. What an awesome place to be, and to know that you are loved back is amazing.

I am amazed by your great attitude, because when Erik was first diagnosed we were so worried and afraid... more than we should have been. You are doing just amazing.

You go girl!!

mouse said...

Way to go Michelle! Now grab hold of the reins and take it where you want to go! Love and happiness are such a great place.