Friday, September 16, 2005

September 12th to 16th - Injections 9, Big 10!, & 11

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16th - Injection #11
I'm so dang glad today is Friday. I can't focus on much today. I'm so tired that I didnt' even wash my hair. I picked out something cute to wear, second guessing myself on that, too, before work. I've never second guessed myself in ten years like I do now. I make a decision today that Monday I will ask my boss what I can do to get ahead or get out of this "slump" I seem to be in in my job. I just can't let the curiousity kill me anymore. I am so tired of wondering what I do wrong, which I think is probably nothing at best. I finally let it go. I ate a package of Ramen noodles today for lunch and no dinner. I just wasn't hungry. I went home after work to pack a bag, do a bit of knitting and headed to my boyfriend's house for some comfort, security, and consoling. I definately needed it and I still feel like I'm honestly going crazy. Going to bed early was my best option yet today. I was out shortly after my shot in the leg. It hurt again. I hate doing my shots in the leg. They sting there. Oh, heck, they sting everywhere. Even my ego stings from them.

I am so tired again today. I struggled to get to work today and walked in at 9:00. Everyday am wondering why I let my boss, boss me around so rudely. He yells out his office at me everyday as if I was some little kid stealing cookies. He snaps here and there. I feel like I'm ten again trying to win my mother's approval at something I've done to impress her when I've only made a mess doing so. The harder I try to be nice to him and work for him, the more I fail. I give up today and mind my own business doing other work. I was so hungry today. I joined the fax order for Chipotle at work for some lunch. Man, I love their steak burritos. They are the size of my head, but sooooo good. I ate only half of one and didn't eat dinner after it either. Maybe that was still a little of the depression I've been feeling. I must say though, today was much better than yesterday. Yesterday was the worst day yet to date on side effects.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14th - Injection #10 (Oh, wahoo.)
Today is the worst feeling yet. I feel so depressed. I'm driving to work today and I get this thought in my head. It says "Maybe you should just drive into oncoming traffic?". What? No. Not cool. Way too weird. I told that voice to go to hell and kept in my lane. All day, back and forth. Up and down. Secretly, on top of everything, I think my boss hates me. He questioned me printing a personal printout of a dress two hours after my mandatory allotted working hours and questioned me on it the next morning (after accidently leaving on the printer) as if I had robbed the place. Nicely written on the bottom "Clearly business purpose. C." Nice, huh? Then he proceeded to snap at me for mixing up two letters on a medical citation. I swear I've had enough. I went to eat Chinese food today. I might have well ordered the Chinese Soy Sauce Salt Block online. 2000mgs of MSG. It turns even lovliest toes into Vienna Sausages in a snap. Amazing. I asked the HR guy why I didn't even recieve a cost of living increase and could he research some feedback since I've not had a review in over four years. He said he would. I appreciated this considering my mind has been wondering if I am really that bad of an employee. I doubt it greatly. I got home tonight and burst into tears. Actually it started on the way home from work. I am so miserable today. I can't think straight. I am going nuts, I think. I tried to look up online the side effects of Rebif. I think that some severe depression is setting in today and I feel literally like I am going crazy. I bawled for 2 hours. I went to bed bawling and after a text that said "things are not normal" to my boyfriend, he appeared when I least expected him to rub my back and kiss me on the top of the head. It helped for a bit, but more so I think the 30grams of amitryptelene I snarfed an hour earlier had finally made its way to my brain. I drifted off to sleep from exhaustion. Man, injection #10 was not on my top ten list tonight before I headed to bed. Today I officially hated this stupid disease to it's fullest. Period.

Today I got to work and I was short of breath. I had pneumonia once, it felt the same way. Our pharmacist at work told me to take a tylenol and advil combo like I do for my injections and boom, it went away. I tried to get some Ambien out of him, he just laughed. He knew I was joking, but secretly, was I? Hmm... maybe, maaaaaaaybeeeeee not. Today at lunch I added the MS prism ribbon to my blog. I like it! Very cool. Took my mind of the fact that I think I'm losing it. My mind, that is. I feel so down today. I tried for the life of me to discipline myself tonight to go to sleep. I figured that would help in some way. Guess what happened? Murphy's law happened and it stormed. Man, that Murphy guy is a pain in the...[technical difficulties, please stand by].

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12th - Injection #9
This week has been an interesting and yet, rough one. Lots of mental tests. Monday was injection #9 - 22mcg of love, er something like that. All went well. I noticed the red spots stay for around a week and then are just gone and then they just reappear. GRR. I received the bill today in the mail for my 5 days of IV therapy. $1442.86 which is being submitted to my insurance. I also found out my insurance company has been counting my IV therapy towards my OUT OF NETWORK deductable, so what that means for my reimbursement from work is up in the air. If it's not one thing, it's another. Shot #9 in the hip and I slept through the night, but only because I think I was so exhausted from yesterday that my body had no choice.


DIE! DIE! said...

scary stuff. And was bitching on my blog how I'm dealing with bureaucracy and stressed out about it. Why is your boss such an ass? Chipotle is one of my fav. places to eat.

Michelle said...

Your guess is as good as mine on my boss's demeanor. Stay posted.

mdmhvonpa said...

Mmmm, ramen noodles!

Anthony Crimaldi said...

They should create an Island where you can send all your bosses to live for 1 week. They're good at giving orders but if they had to do the job themselves. They would die of starvation.