Monday, October 31, 2005

October 18th - 31st, 2005

In the last two weeks, I've interviewed for the following:
Insurance Company G
Insurance Company H
Insurance Company G (2nd Interview)
School District #RRR
School District #RRR (2nd Interview)
Had an offer from the following:
Real Estate Company A
Turned down an offer from the following:
Real Estate Company A
Been turned down for the following:
Food Principle G
School District #RRR
Found out the following isn't hiring until 2006:
Original Insurance Company (My first interview since I left my old job)

It's been a pretty busy two weeks. In the midst of all of this, I've not felt like myself or just felt like crap. I still am not sleeping through the night yet. I've cut out caffiene almost completely. I'm pretty frustrated, but keeping faith that it will all work out. It's all I can do to keep myself sane for the moment. Mike and I have been doing really well. He's been helping me keep my strength and offering me an ear when I need a much needed one as well as my sister. My sister and I, the Saturday before last decided to make a movie night on Friday and most of Saturday. We spent the time doing nothing and clearing our brains. We also had the opportunity to have a group knit with Mike's mom and her friend. It was good useless brain activity. I honestly spent the entire two hours thinking of nothing and it was the best two hours I had had in a long time. This last weekend, my mom, my two youngest sisters (there are four of us), two of my sister's friends and my mom's friend all visited from South Dakota. It was a lot of estrogen in a 990 square foot condo. I was happy to see them, but was exhausted to begin with when they arrived so I tried to keep a happy face. Lacey and I threw Holly (3rd youngest sister) a birthday party on Friday for her 18th birthday. It was a success and she was elated. I have another interview with Marketing Company R on Wednesday. I am keeping hope that I will have an offer by next week and get some sleep by then, too. I am calling the neurologist today to get some sleeping pills. I have had enough pride to last me through many sleepless nights and it's so exhausted, it finally went to sleep. Now it's my turn to sleep.

Monday, October 17, 2005

October 17th, 2005

Today I woke up at 3am, 6am, 8am, and 10am. I'm so sick of not sleeping. I'm exhausted. I think it's time to call my doctor to get something to take to make things a bit easier at night to handle. I just can't not be sleeping anymore. I had an interview today at 1pm with Food Priciple G. They were interesting, but I'm not sure if they were a personality fit. It may have been a scare tactic. I think they might have liked me, but I'm not sure. I had been referred to them by an old boss whom I adored. His wife actually works there. I went ot say hi to her when I left, but she was unavailable. I was not myself today. I was very tired and lethargic. I just had no pep today. I feel a crash coming on again. I started to get this side effect again today that I get when I am really tired. It's an itching of the scalp. I have to ignore it or I'll itch my head until it bleeds because I don't pay attention to how much I'll itch it. It really is something that took me a long time to figure out that what was plaguing me on my head was really "in my head." I ignore it and finally it will go away. Very strange. I feel like sometimes I am going crazy. I feel like the side effects mainly now from my shots are 1. less sleep, 2. hot flashes/freezes (usually cured with aspirin) and 3. a crash in the middle of the week emotionally. I also feel like I have short changed my boyfriend. He has seen me at my absolute worst. It really only can get better with him. I feel like I have put him through hell with this disease. I've been sick almost a year with 2 attacks, sinus infections, iv's, steriods, and side effects with Rebif. I think sometimes I am so selfish and feel he deserves someone without this burden. Someone who is normal in health. I feel like I cheated him out of a normal relationship, cheated him from someone that doesn't need "saving" or a life with someones who doesn't have to deal with what I deal with. Or maybe he wants his life to be this way because it includes me. Just me and no one else that he wants, just me. I hope so because all I want is him. Just him. :o)

Sunday, October 16, 2005

October 15 - 16th, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/16
I woke up at 8am again this morning. I did find a nice surprise though. Mike had made breakfast this morning. It wasn't just any breakfast, it was crepes. I have given him so much heck for having a crepe maker that doesn't work, that he finally caved. Crepes, sauteed bananas, brown sugar, whip cream, sausage, and eggs for everyone. It was an all you can eat buffet for the local in house Sunday rifraff. It was REALLY good. I must complain more often about not getting crepes *wink*. I headed home around 3pm. I helped Mike do some yard work and found it actually helped me to get out of the house and try and wake up. It was also good to get some exercise. I haven't had enough of that lately and with my emotions bottoming out I think it did me some good. I watched a movie then took a long, warm shower. I shaved my long overdue legs. I have been so tired lately, I didn't realize you could grow a small forest around your shins if you were lazy enough. I know, gu-woss! It was soooo worth shaving. I managed to change the sheets to the favorite ones, too. Mike headed over at 9:00pm to watch Grey's Anatomy. I love this show. I have become totally addicted to it. I used to be a huge ER junkie until George Clooney left, then I just gave up. Too many people coming and going after that. In fact, I gave up television until about 4 mths ago. I have never really been a tv watcher for the last 4 years. Too busy living life, I guess. Someday maybe I'll have enough material for my own tv show. It's just the question of who gets to play me. Any takers?

I was so tired this morning. My shot last night that I took at 1:30am hurt very badly in my left leg. They have been hurting more and more lately and bruising. I had trouble sleeping last night and was up at 8am to make it to an association meeting for my condo. My sister and I headed home from Mike's after he cooked us hash browns for breakfast. He's so sweet sometimes. Lacey and I headed home, ventured to meeting then tried to nap for a bit. We ended up cleaning up and heading back to another friends house for a soup & sip day. Lots of chicken noodle soup, 7Up, and campfire later, I was exhausted. We headed back to Mike's around 10:30pm. I was out cold at 11:50pm, and low and behold, no sleep. I just don't get it and I don't want to. I just want some shut eye.

Friday, October 14, 2005

October 14th, 2005

Today was such a beautiful fall day. I slept in and it was fabulous. It was a cool breeze coming in my window very early morning that helped and I was grateful. I figured out how to finish my reload of my computer and it seemed to be working great. I looked up directions to get to Marketing Company R today and wouldn't you know it, got in the car and forgot. They are two miles from my house to this place and I forgot where I was going. I amaze myself sometimes at the ability to forget even the littlest things. Sometimes remembering the easiest word on the end of my tongue is the hardest thing to endure during the day. Thank God for Google. Long live them both :o) The marketing company was impressed with me as was I. The position was for Executive Administrator to the President, they understand the demand & salary, and I understand what they are expecting and looking for as far as pushing limits, creating a new atmosphere and living up to and exceeding expectations with an emphasis on ownership. It would be a working heaven as far as I'm concerned. The lady screening me was recruiter for them and I will, if I am recommended will be meeting with the president when he returns from China this next week. I am hopeful on this one. Lacey, and I headed to the burbs near Mike's house to meet Mike and around 8 or so of Mike's friends. It was a fabulous time for everybody tonight and for the first time, I looked in Mike's eyes and saw him seeing me. He just looked at me with this look that said "Don't ever leave me, I love you." I must have given it back, because he smiled at me and I never felt the way I did just then. It's the spot where you feel secure, and happy, and scared to death all at the same time and you just can't help but smile because you just want to burst with happiness and tears if you aren't careful. In the end I know we'll be ok. It's just getting over the hill sometimes that runs you out of breath.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

October 10th - 13th, 2005

Today I ventured out and ate lunch with two of my old coworkers. I got caught in a phone interview with another insurance company just before I was to leave, got caught in road construction as I was driving and stuck behind an accident on the way. Again, Murphy's law. Damn that Murphy guy. He is SO annoying. I did get some new software for the computer today because my computer is now inoperable completely. It won't even let me add/remove programs in the control panel or even restart. It's way beyond just a glitch. I started to reload it tonight, but it was still in need of some professional help from my friend. I got as far as I could with my computer "guru" status for today. I stopped by the office to give the HR guy some moe bills that have rolled in for paying under my health care severance conditions. I hate insurance companies. They are not so much fun, but I am grateful they exist. I also really didn't miss my job. People complained about picking up my slack and missing me. I missed them, too, but not my actual job. It was definately time to make a move. I did sleep again tonight for half of the night which was better than nothing. Right now anything is better than nothing, looking on the bright side because the less I sleep, the less of a bright side I own.

I woke up today. I felt like a brick has hit me and my whole body just aches. I opened my eyes and quickly I retreated to my pillow with absolutely no strength. I had to go to the bathroom and I quickly just ignored it and kept my eyes closed. I was too tired to get out of bed. I thanked God today I didn't have a job, let alone any interviews. It was just one of those days. I spent the day doing laundry at Mike's and then off to home. I was so tired, I couldn't wait to get home and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I ended up back at Mike's tonight to sleep. I wanted to see him again and cuddle with him. We had one of those talks where you just lie in bed and do nothing but recap the day. You talk and talk and talk and before you know it, you've fallen asleep on one another and you have no idea when. It's a good feeling.

TUESDAY, 10/11
Today I tried desperately to work online again to find jobs and apply. I started called people to locate software for fixing my computer. No such luck as of yet. I had an interview with Career Agency Y. They were a little weird. I don't know that they when I was said and done and leaving even had a position for me to apply to. They seemed impressed with my qualifications and skills tests though. I came out 89% or higher on most areas of testing within windows. I was so nervous taking them and I always forget how to set margins in word, excel, and in access for printing. Ugh. Note to self: remember margin setting before next skills test with someone. I also had an interview today with real estate company A. They were very impressed with me as was I. I like their position description and it seems like something I would really enjoy. We'll see on that, too. There is lots of waiting in the job finding game I'm finding out. I headed to Mike's house tonight to hang out with him. Things seem a little bit better between us. I still don't know if it will change, but it seems as if Mike was starting to understand what I need. Just someone there to help me through and be there when I am too exhausted to travel to him, too tired to think straight, and too ridden with lovely Rebif "side effects" and I think sometimes I am going crazy. I am grateful for him. I love him. A lot. I finally slept through the night tonight. I figure it was about time. I hadn't really slept in the last 2-3 days again and it was wearing on me. Again.

MONDAY, 10/10
I spent this week trying to work at finding jobs online. Guess what? I didn't find any! LOL. I'd say mostly because my computer is fritzed out and broken. It works intermittently. I found lots of places to apply that were actually interesting though so I worked as best I could. Today I had an interview with Broker A. There were south of the city and very intrigued with me as I was them. The kicker? They want someone with Exec Level Experience, an in to Marketing & Sales and Inside Sales Experience, but they want to pay them Entry Level Admin salary. I guess people expect a lot these days for nothing. Oh well. We'll see where it goes from here.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

October 5th - 9th, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/9
This morning I felt better about my decisions, but felt awful from crying and felt awful about telling Mike that he just wasn't there for me. I hate being the messenger, but it's been plaguing me for awhile. Especially now with everything, I am just someone who would rather have one less thing to worry about. He kissed me on the forehead and on the top of the head and left. We had a good conversation this morning, but there is a lot of unknown. I don't know how to relay to him that I love him dearly. I want to be with him forever. I need him here. Period. Life is so testing sometimes. Good thing tomorrows are always better sometimes than todays. I went to bed early again tonight, but to no avail, minimal sleep. I have decided that if this doesn't get better, that it's back on sleeping pills to knock myself out at night. Is it really worth injecting myself 3 times a week when I'll not sleep and make myself sick anyway? I wonder.

I slept all right. I slept until 2:00pm when my boyfriend finally called me back to tell me the wedding today was at 4:00pm. There is no way I would have made it. I slept 16 hours straight and still felt as if I'd been hit by a truck. Ever since my injections have started, it's only getting worse in the sleep department. I sleep 3 nights a week through the night. I think it's around the time that I physically am exhausted. I pray that this gets better. It has to. I am so feeling as if I am alone. Even with my boyfriend around I feel alone. I feel like he doesn't make any sacrifices when I am at my worst. I went to the wedding reception. It only made me feel worse. All these people so happy and my debating whether or not my boyfriend is ther for me enough. I decide that he's not. A couple cocktails over the hours and watching everyone and I decided it's definately not enough. I left early and went downtown to be with some friends I haven't seen in ages. Some because I spend my weekends at my boyfriends in the southern suburbs, but mostly because I have been sick so much that going out on weekends is out of the question. I had a good time, but was met by one frantic boyfriend at home. I told him that I think we needed a break until he can be there. I told him I wasn't going anywhere, but that I just needed to have one less thing to worry about. I have too much on my mind already. I can't be worrying about whether someone will be there when I am at my worst. It was a long night. I cried more than I have in two years tonight. I think it was long, long overdue.

FRIDAY, 10/7
Again, online trying to find jobs, but my computer is nearly inoperable. I call an old friend at my last job who asks if he can help out by helping me get a hold of my original software for reloading. I had my meeting with career agency Y today. It went fairly well I think. The position they have available seems challenging and rewarding both personally and financially. I won't find out if the company is interested until next week though. Oh well. Well I knitted a bit tonight. I'm working on a new scarf for me. A really wide striped one that will be hard to "keep" when finished. My boyfriend forgot to call me back tonight. We have our last wedding of this year to go to tomorrow and I still don't know what time it is at. I went to sleep at nine o
'clock and fell asleep from pure exhaustion. Three days with no sleep is just too much for me to handle. My sister is done this weekend and the house was so quiet, too, that it was good to be alone. I was so crabby and upset that I can't stand myself today and Lacey just doesn't need my aura to disturb her happy day. She had an interview with BIG SCIENCE company A. They are phenomenal and found her by chance. They are intrigued by her and I didn't need to ruin her mood.

Again a try to find a job, go to sleep early, and again I fail at both. My computer is infected with spyware from top to bottom. I had a second interview yesterday with unsaid insurance company and met with the partner. He was really nice. He said when I left "Too bad I have an assistant already." I think that was a good sign. I have a meeting with career agency Y. They sound like they have a promising position. Again, I didn't sleep hardly at all. I figure it is just coincidence. I can't go another night without sleep. I am really up and down today, too. Very crabby and pushed to the limit personally.

Today I applied for jobs all day. I got this weird call around 7pm before I tried to retire. It was this lady talking about natural disasters. I wasn't up much for preaching by solicitation. I told her I didn't have time to talk and she asked me to look up a verse if I had time: 2nd Timothy, 3rd Chapter. I didn't get around to looking up the verse. I just tried to finish online and go to sleep early. I was in bed early, however, sleeping didn't not happen. As much as I tried, no sleep. I guess there is tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

October 4th, 2005

I applied for around 1o positions today online, and I have a second interview tomorrow with unsaid insurance agency that I liked. It was so humid today again that I didn't care to go out interviewing anyway. Hot too. 98 degrees hot. Just as I prayed for rain, this nasty black cloud appeared adn voila, rain. And again no power. Just as I finished dying my hair no power. Just as I was showering, tada, no power. I finished showering in candlelight. It was not romantic if you just were going to ask me that. I was getting ready to go out. Mike's sister's birthday is today. I finished getting ready in the garage. I finished my makeup and blew my hair dry right next to my luggage set and my box of tools and my tent. Again, not very fun. Just as I shut the garage door, changed clothes and opened it, I could see my building had power again. Grr. I am Murphy's (Law) nightmare lately. One thing after another. One day I will write a book and laugh at all the things that have happened to me in life. It will be funny. Very, VERY funny. I'm not kidding about it being funny. I was once stuck in a revolving door. Do you know anyone else this has happened to? I didn't think so. Ever had a mustard bottle explode over you, the ceiling and your father? I didn't think so. Stick around some more and keep getting to know me, you'll eventually understand what I am referring to if you don't already. I was finally off to wish Mike's sister a wonderful birthday, say hi to Mike's parents, and other sister and drink a few cocktails. Two hours later, one botched karoake song, and a 1 1/2 block drive to Mike's sister's house, I slept on the couch. Mike's sister's friend also slept on the couch so I had feet and street light in my face. The trade offs we make to not drive home after a cocktail or two. Not a bad trade if you ask me in the long run. I'd take feet in the face vs. orange issue jumpsuits anyday. That's just a smart idea. Besides, orange is only really for cool skin tones.

Monday, October 03, 2005

October 3rd, 2005

Today I slept. I was so tired from the weekend that I recovered today. I studdered a little bit more. I noticed it's a new thing I've got going on when I'm exhausted. It happened last weekend when my sister and I were playing that lovely game Mental_Floss. (P.S. I highly recommend if you are useless trivia buff.) I'll just add it to the list. It was so humid today, just walking across the room was exhausting. I hate humidity. If there is one single element that will aggravate my MS it's humidity. I hate humitidy. I think I already said that though. I turned on the air and stayed indoors. Sometimes I feel like I miss summer more now than I used to, just because the heat and humidity combination is too much to handle. It's not worth the fuss of nearly collapsing to see a little sun. The things we take for granted, huh? I applied for around 15 positions online with today. We'll see where they lead. I was off to bed early tonight at Mike's and I missed him bunches. He hugged me so tight when I finally got to his house and met him in bed that I almost lost my breath. I felt like I again came home for the second time and again it was just as missable as being home with my parents.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

October 1st - 2nd, 2005

SUNDAY, 10/2
My mom sent us home with so much food, Lacey and I won't have to cook for a week. We're grateful, too, because we are lazy fools looking for jobs. My mom is so awesome like that. Still takes care of her girls when we aren't looking. We drove home and it was late when we returned. An 11pm arrival home and again off to bed at 1am. Grr. Good thing Lacey and I both had the day off. :o) Ok, I have more than a day, but you know what I mean.

Up and early today at 7:30am. Off to the local University homecoming parade. You know, in ten years my sister and I have never watched the darn thing. We had been too busy marching in it for marching band. Yes, we are a family of nerds. We took the liberty of watching to two younger sisters both play flute in separate bands in it. Yes, again, we are a family of nerds. Musical, lovable, humorous, nerds and we're close so don't knock it either. LOL. It was a good time. My sister Lacey had a graduation party for college at my parents house today starting at 4pm. It was adorned by more lovable family & friends. I had one beer. It's all I could stand. I was so tired, I had been studdering earlier in the day from no sleep anyway. I figured I already looked stupid, no need to push the issue. I was so full from helping my mom cook that I couldn't stomach any beer anyway. One rowdy drunk aunt and uncle later, a bunch of laughs, and a quick clean of the backyard and again it was 2am. Time flies when I am home. It seems that every night is a 2am night. As if that makes sense eh?