September 26 - 30th, 2005

FRIDAY, 9/30
Day 3, no interviews. I met Mike for lunch today for the first time. It was nice. I miss him so much sometimes. Even after I've seen him for 3 days, I leave and ten minutes later I wish I were still near him. I think it scares him to death just as much as it sometimes scares me. He's so shy and quiet. I'm the out spoken one. Somehow we're just good together. It's like the lyrics from the Howie Day song: Collide.

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Today my sister and I drove to South Dakota. It was a nice drive with two ferrets and my sister's friend, Shannon. It was long drive, though, that I have not taken in awhile. I feel bad for not coming home more often. Two Diet Mountain Dews and four hours later I nearly climbed the headliner of my Jetta trying to get out of the car. I was so sick of driving. It was good to come home. Good to see my mom, my dad and my sisters. Good to come home to family. My family. My crazy Barnum and Bailey, downright lovable, squeezable, irreplaceable family... Man, I missed them more than they know. My sis and my sisters two friends and I ventured to the local hangout bar, Lagers for one drink and one taste of local rifraff. We ran into my aunt and uncle visiting from Omaha, a nice surprise. We hit the one grocery store still open at 1:30am (it's a small town) and headed home. One flatbread pizza later and we were off to sleep at 2:30am. I never sleep when I get home. Good thing I've been taking it easy this week on my "pseudo vacation". Hahahahahaha.......

THURSDAY, 9/29
Day 2, 3 interviews. Today I met with career agency X and an insurance company and an old food brokerage with many people who I used to work with. In the mix mostly were Admin Asst. positions, one regular, one executive. The good thing about my situation, I get to be picky. I get to find what I want to do without sacrificing money or my mindset right now and that is a good position to be in. Like winning the lottery if you will. I went to Mike's today. I asked him if we needed to take a break. With everything going on. Can I concentrate on finding a job, being sleepless 4 nights a week, and having a boyfriend who seems too busy? I'm not sure. I think we talked, but I don't know how much we worked out. I love him dearly, I just need him more "here". I'm hoping that he sees that. Soon.

WEDNESDAY, 9/28
Day 1, 1 interviews. I slept in. You didn' t think I wouldn't take advantage of that, would you? Of course not. Let's consider reality here. I'm on a pseudo vacation. I love that word, pseudo. Anyway, I have an interview today (first one!) with a motorcycle manufacturer that likes me a lot. I like them, too. They were fun at the interview. Mike's mom called to wish me luck on my interviews and see if I was enjoying my "pseudo vacation". Told you I like that word. I like Mike's mom, too. She really is a sweet lady. I'm glad we started talking. It's good to have a "mom" when yours isn't the closest. My mom is 4 1/2 hours away and even though she gives me a big "I love you" and an "OOOOH-AHHH" (hug) via phone, sometimes you still need someone around to tell you mom things to your face. I hope it works out with this company. It's a run with scissors position and hey, I've been known to run with scissors. I am not feeling too well tonight. I feel like crawling under a rock. Mike was supposed to go home with me to South Dakota on Friday and he forgot and other things came up. I feel like it is just bad timing with everything lately with us.

TUESDAY, 9/27
The people at work threw me an ice cream social on my last day. I'm excited and scared and nervous all at the same time! I feel like a kid with a new license! I finally left at 2:00pm today. Of course, being me, I cried on the way home. I realized on the way home reading my card, that my boss had wished me good luck. I was surprised, yet not. I did a good job for him no matter how crappy he treated me along the way and I will find a job that challenges me, keeps my potentials high and pushes my limits again. So help me, I will. I have full faith.

MONDAY, 9/26
Today was my last day of work with the company that I am soon parting ways with. It was bittersweet, yet sad. I realized that my boss has been avoiding me at all costs, but snapped just one last time at me for good jackass measure. I'm wondering why I let him treat me the way I have for so long. It reminds me of the time I cleaned out my "friends closet" and drew the line in the sand with those who refused to go the extra mile in the friendship marathon of life. You just have enough. I needed this push to show me how I had enough of being an employee who is no longer challenged. In a way, I'm sad that people that I have seen grow with me over the last four years will be somewhere else day to day. Every day that goes by though, I realize that this is my best interest.

September 24th - 25th, 2005

I spent the whole weekend doing absolutely nothing. It was the first time in a long time that my pajama's were my staple wardrobe and I did next to nothing. Let me recap what I did for two days at Mike's house with my sister (she stayed the weekend with me).

1. Slept in.
2. Bought game called Mental_Floss with my sister.
3. Played Mental_Floss for hours with my sister.
4. Visited my boyfriends mom with my sister. I love this lady. She is awesome.
5. Took nap. Yes, with my sister. Hey, we can do this. We're sisters!
6. Went to bed early and not with my sister.

I'd say the weekend was par. No, above par. Getting some much deserved rest and relaxation and bonding with sister proved very valuable, not to mention just what I needed to cure a rainy weekend. :o)

September 23rd, 2005 - Day 3 No Power

Day 3 and no power. I was at work most of the day so i didn't notice. It finally was on though at 6pm tonight. It was so nice seeing myself in the mirror when I got home. I was thrown an impromptu going away party from the people at work at the favorite local hangout in the northern burbs - Hankerings. It was pretty fun and sad all at the same time. I'm going to miss those people dearly when I leave. They are good people. You never realize how valuable you are sometimes until you've come and gone. I was told by many that I taught them how to hold your head high in spite of being kicked down a time or two. I appreciated that. I was also told that I exited my position with grace. It's good sometimes to be who I am. I'm pretty sure that's a good person, who in spite of everything, tries to do what is right and even if that isn't always the case. I still sleep at night, so to speak. Lacey and I headed to a going away party when I got home from my work party to wish our friend Erin a happy departure from Minnesota to Colorado. Our friend Robin returned from California as she had watched her dad die in the hospital from liver failure. I'd say that the night had just about enough "personal limits" within our group of friends. We all cried, laughed, and pulled ourselves together, together. It's good to be loved. May all of us be just that if nothing else. Loved. At 1:00am, I managed to venture to Mike's house with Lacey and crash, but not without being pulled over first. Apparently my license plates were overdue for renewal by um, 23days. I didn't even notice. The police officer asked me if I had a rough night to which I responded yes. I must have been believable because he wrote me a warning ticket. I guess for some reason he must have seen the love that night, too.

September 22st, 2005 - Day 2 No Power

Still no power yet today, but I was at work most of the day so I didn't mind. The fridge was still cold and the freezer wasn't opened, so they were ok. I had a double charge from the pharmacy today on my Rebif. They DID end up charging me for the titration pack that they screwed up on. I called them and they credited my pharmacy account to accomidate for the difference. I was happy, but kind of irratated that they didn't fix it to begin with when they said they would credit. Oh well, stuff happens sometimes. Somestimes stuff happens alot. It's just a fact of life. It's been raining this week. By raining, I mean stacking pretty high in the crap department. One day at a time I keep saying to myself.

Running deductable update:
In house network remaining: $21.20
Out of network remaining: $300.00

***Today I found out my cousin's husband has neurofibromatosis. I know nothing about it. I made a mental note to research and find out what I can about this disease. Knowledge is power for sure. I found out that it is very strange, just like MS. That was very indepth in the thought department I know, but it is a strange disease. I trucked my sister and two dogs to my boyfriend's house tonight to take advantage of the simplicities of life, such as electricity. I didn't get that shower this morning and I figured by tomorrow I would be pretty ripe. I don't care for my boss, but I like the other people in my office enough to spare them from pure agony of my unshoweredness. ***

September 21st, 2005 - Day 1 No Power

Today was so hot and humid. I stayed indoors during lunch and I worked still to clean off my desk some more. I hid from my mean boss, not that I needed to. He's not said one word to me since my meeting of severance/parting. I'm glad, too, because I don't need the added stress. We had this whopping storm today that ripped through where I live. It took out the power at about 7:30pm and flash flooded the parking lot leaving my sister and I to struggle to move vehicles. Hers unfortunately had water come in the door line. I couldn't put my car in the garage, thanks to the power outage. It was a long night of fumbling around. Good thing I had some captain crunch by candlelight to cheer my mood. LOL. I headed to my boyfriends house to sleep and get ready in the morning. I needed to be to work on time or early tomorrow and I needed a little shower to boot in the morning. I didn't want to take my chances with no power. I luckily took my shot while we still had lights. Too bad I didn't take it in the dark. That could have been so romantic. *laughs*

September 20th, 2005

I agreed yesterday to take the severance and work through the week to clean out my desk and to pass the work on smoothly. I did this because I do love my job, but it's not rewarding anymore. I also love the people I work with so leaving them hanging was not something I would ever do if it could be avoided. I'm just that sort of person. I am loyal to the people who are good to me. Last night my sister gave me my injection. That was a little scary and a little painful. My fault mostly as I told her to go slow and she went slow. Really slow. Too slow. LOL. It smarted a little, but we got through it. Both of us. I was short of breath again today and took a little aspirin/ibuprofen combination and nipped that side effect in the butt. I worked on my resume today throughout the day in the middle of "cleaning" off my desk. Today I must say was calming, overwhelming, and scary all at the same time. On friday, the HR guy and I have agreed to talk about the remaining transition and my last day. I slept so good tonight. Maybe it's because I didn't have to worry about my boss belittling me anymore. Maybe it's because I know I have a whole other world ahead of me. Maybe it's because for the first time in a long time, I know that I will have the resources to stay home, sleep, and take care of me and not worry financially what will be taken care of. Maybe it's all of the above. I've already got leads, not solid ones, but leads. It's better than none, that is for sure.

September 19th, 2005

Good thing I got some sleep last night to prepare me for the events this morning...

Item #1. I was up over a half an hour early this morning.
Item #2. I left for work 15 minutes earlier than I normally do from my boyfriend's house to tackle the day with my new found gusto.
Item #3. An exit on the freeway was not marked that it was closed.
Item #4. I called a half an hour earlier than my start time to say I was going to be late.
Item #5. I was informed that after asking for a cost of living increase I would be offerred a nice severance package instead.
Item #6. I took unsaid severance package.
Item #7. I breathed a sigh of relief and texted my boyfriend the terms of my severance.
Item #8. I think my boyfriend danced a jig and then called me to find out the details.

I was told that quote "I know you are looking for more money, and you just aren't going to get it here. It would be in your best interest and in ours, if you went and looked for more opportunity. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. We'll pay your severance through XX/XX/200X. " I agreed to take such severance and then I almost breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't too upset in all actuality because after being treated like crap from my boss and wasting my potential for the last couple of years, It was time for a change anyway. Time to set my wings a flapping and fly towards something more rewarding after 4 1/2 years at the same job. Go Gidget. Go.

September 18th, 2005

Today I took a long overdue nap. I was up a little too late last night. Not way late, but late. I didn't even really have an appetite either. It was one of those days where you walk in a fog until around 3pm. I did manage to shower and head to my friend Suzy's house around 8pm. I visited my girlfriend Suzy for a little bit while her husband and my boyfriend tried to fix some pipe leak (all in all, total entertainment I must say. Imagine two grown men stuck in a room that is 5x5 for 4 hours.) Mike and I headed home around 10 and did manage to hit the sheets early tonight which was good for me, for sure. It's been a long time since I could do that and actually sleep. All in all, for doing absolutely nothing it was a pretty good day and since I slept all night it was good night, too. :o)

September 17th, 2005

Today I slept in and enjoyed what I thought would be a calm Saturday. I was right. It was quite calm and I took advantage of it to its fullest. I hung out in bed for a post wake up siesta, then ended up grabbing a long overdue oil change and a chat with my old pal Tattoo Mike, (Yes, I know like 10 Mike's) who happens to work at the auto shop. What a coincidence. I headed back ot my boyfriends house after and managed to grab a bit of relaxation and a bit of alone time with him, too. At 5:00pm I managed to venture home and figured out how to raid my overgrown beast of a closet and emerge with something fabulous to wear. My sister Lacey and I figured we would hit the two dollar an hour happy hour with a friend downtown at a seafood place I love. A pseudo date if you will on my part. I'm so sneaky sometimes. Other times, I'm as sneaky as a mac truck on a dark highway with high beam on. I grabbed the mail on the way in the door to find another bill. This one for my MRI. The grand total $5,097.00. Good gravy is all I have to say. I feel like it shouldn't be so much for a radiologist to stick my neck & body in an oversized microwave, but whatever I guess! My sister and I hit happy hour running and it was good. There is something rather tasty about a $2.00 cheeseburger. Why are they tastier than regular ones? Can someone tell me why we get high off "free" or "dirt cheap"? After dinner we grabbed a cup of coffee across the street from happy hour Zen. I was feeling pretty good for a change today, all day and even through the night. The depression has subsided and the side effects have finally gone back to the place they came from -- a 1980's cheesy scary movie (They were THAT stupid & irritating). Life sometimes seems as if nothing has ever changed, that I'm dreaming and I'm going to wake up to normalness. It still remains a dream to me. My dream.

September 12th to 16th - Injections 9, Big 10!, & 11

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16th - Injection #11
I'm so dang glad today is Friday. I can't focus on much today. I'm so tired that I didnt' even wash my hair. I picked out something cute to wear, second guessing myself on that, too, before work. I've never second guessed myself in ten years like I do now. I make a decision today that Monday I will ask my boss what I can do to get ahead or get out of this "slump" I seem to be in in my job. I just can't let the curiousity kill me anymore. I am so tired of wondering what I do wrong, which I think is probably nothing at best. I finally let it go. I ate a package of Ramen noodles today for lunch and no dinner. I just wasn't hungry. I went home after work to pack a bag, do a bit of knitting and headed to my boyfriend's house for some comfort, security, and consoling. I definately needed it and I still feel like I'm honestly going crazy. Going to bed early was my best option yet today. I was out shortly after my shot in the leg. It hurt again. I hate doing my shots in the leg. They sting there. Oh, heck, they sting everywhere. Even my ego stings from them.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15th
I am so tired again today. I struggled to get to work today and walked in at 9:00. Everyday am wondering why I let my boss, boss me around so rudely. He yells out his office at me everyday as if I was some little kid stealing cookies. He snaps here and there. I feel like I'm ten again trying to win my mother's approval at something I've done to impress her when I've only made a mess doing so. The harder I try to be nice to him and work for him, the more I fail. I give up today and mind my own business doing other work. I was so hungry today. I joined the fax order for Chipotle at work for some lunch. Man, I love their steak burritos. They are the size of my head, but sooooo good. I ate only half of one and didn't eat dinner after it either. Maybe that was still a little of the depression I've been feeling. I must say though, today was much better than yesterday. Yesterday was the worst day yet to date on side effects.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14th - Injection #10 (Oh, wahoo.)
Today is the worst feeling yet. I feel so depressed. I'm driving to work today and I get this thought in my head. It says "Maybe you should just drive into oncoming traffic?". What? No. Not cool. Way too weird. I told that voice to go to hell and kept in my lane. All day, back and forth. Up and down. Secretly, on top of everything, I think my boss hates me. He questioned me printing a personal printout of a dress two hours after my mandatory allotted working hours and questioned me on it the next morning (after accidently leaving on the printer) as if I had robbed the place. Nicely written on the bottom "Clearly business purpose. C." Nice, huh? Then he proceeded to snap at me for mixing up two letters on a medical citation. I swear I've had enough. I went to eat Chinese food today. I might have well ordered the Chinese Soy Sauce Salt Block online. 2000mgs of MSG. It turns even lovliest toes into Vienna Sausages in a snap. Amazing. I asked the HR guy why I didn't even recieve a cost of living increase and could he research some feedback since I've not had a review in over four years. He said he would. I appreciated this considering my mind has been wondering if I am really that bad of an employee. I doubt it greatly. I got home tonight and burst into tears. Actually it started on the way home from work. I am so miserable today. I can't think straight. I am going nuts, I think. I tried to look up online the side effects of Rebif. I think that some severe depression is setting in today and I feel literally like I am going crazy. I bawled for 2 hours. I went to bed bawling and after a text that said "things are not normal" to my boyfriend, he appeared when I least expected him to rub my back and kiss me on the top of the head. It helped for a bit, but more so I think the 30grams of amitryptelene I snarfed an hour earlier had finally made its way to my brain. I drifted off to sleep from exhaustion. Man, injection #10 was not on my top ten list tonight before I headed to bed. Today I officially hated this stupid disease to it's fullest. Period.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13th
Today I got to work and I was short of breath. I had pneumonia once, it felt the same way. Our pharmacist at work told me to take a tylenol and advil combo like I do for my injections and boom, it went away. I tried to get some Ambien out of him, he just laughed. He knew I was joking, but secretly, was I? Hmm... maybe, maaaaaaaybeeeeee not. Today at lunch I added the MS prism ribbon to my blog. I like it! Very cool. Took my mind of the fact that I think I'm losing it. My mind, that is. I feel so down today. I tried for the life of me to discipline myself tonight to go to sleep. I figured that would help in some way. Guess what happened? Murphy's law happened and it stormed. Man, that Murphy guy is a pain in the...[technical difficulties, please stand by].

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12th - Injection #9
This week has been an interesting and yet, rough one. Lots of mental tests. Monday was injection #9 - 22mcg of love, er something like that. All went well. I noticed the red spots stay for around a week and then are just gone and then they just reappear. GRR. I received the bill today in the mail for my 5 days of IV therapy. $1442.86 which is being submitted to my insurance. I also found out my insurance company has been counting my IV therapy towards my OUT OF NETWORK deductable, so what that means for my reimbursement from work is up in the air. If it's not one thing, it's another. Shot #9 in the hip and I slept through the night, but only because I think I was so exhausted from yesterday that my body had no choice.

September 11, 2005

Ah, the damned voice was back in my head again at 9:00am and stayed awhile asking me why I thought I was going nuts. I did manage to lie in bed with my boyfriend this morning and talk and I tell you what....It was the most sane 2 hours I've had in a week. He is my strength, my calming agent, and I would be lost without him. Over the last month we've gotten really close and I can't imagine what I thought love was before because each day it changes for the better despite my/our challenges with this dreaded disease. Sometimes it would be so much easier without it, but MS'ers just can't be going around saying that. It won't happen unless there is a cure someday, so we deal with what we are dealt. I managed to grab a cup o' coffee at my friend Crissy's for a bit and chat with her which was nice. My sister came out to my boyfriend's house this afternoon and we hung out for a bit, cooked up some food, and admired the new clown fish that Mike added to his aquarium. Clown fish are so serene and shy. Much like my attitude lately, which is NOT me. I'm usually the comic of the group, the one person to cheer everyone and on the inside, I'm not even close to par the last few days. I spent a couple hours over at the beach on the lake a mile from Mike's house with my sister. We sat and talked for a couple of hours. I tried to cheer her up even though I was super bumming inside. She's been here a month and without a job after graduating college, is a bit stressed out. I convinced her that things would be fine. Now if I could only listen to myself. We are our own worse enemies sometimes, arent' we? Well, I made it home after I had another nice hour and a half talk with Mike. I finally broke down and started crying. I just couldn't take it anymore. He again, picked me back up and carried me with a little laughter. I can't imagine what my life was like before he was in it and I don't ever want to. Faith and fate brought me where I am in my life and he showed up when they crossed. He let me know that he loves me today for the first time out loud and I must say, after that, I felt a bit better. Instead of tears of frustration running rampant while driving home, somehow they had turned to tears of happiness and I for the first time in a week, told that stupid little voice where to go.

September 10th, 2005

So I was in bed way wee hours late this morning and I woke up at 10:30am with nausea and a dog licking in the face. I really don't know what was better or worse. I got up and took the puppies outside to get some "fresh air". They seemed happy and I think the neighbors loved my p.j.'s. If they didn't, oh well. I'm too tired to see straight. This morning I now realize the error of staying up too late. I quickly retreated back to bed and in a hurry. I tried to sleep and finally succeeded at about 1:00. I slept until 5pm. Man, I was exhausted. I managed to miss 5 phone calls, 3 from my boyfriend and the phone was right next to my head. My boyfriend and I had a steak fry tonight for the fire deparment he volunteers for. It took almost a bulldozer pushing behind me it felt like to get enough energy to just get ready, but I did it and managed to look normal to most people. Mike noticed right away that I needed some sleep and pointed it out to me. We had a great time eating and conversing. I managed to wake up and enjoy my food. There is a remedy itself in free barbequed steak, I think. I tried to stay chipper and it was working. It helped when the quizzing of our relationship started and Mike answered all questions with tact, including when am I moving in. ;o) When it was over we ventured accross the street to some friend's house for a bit of a bonfire. It must have been enjoyable, because again I was up way too late. By way too late, I mean midnight on a weekend at this point. I was quickly off to bed soon thereafter and crashed through the night, but not until after I drove myself crazy thinking before bed. What is wrong with me today? Why am I so down? Why do I have no ambition or gusto and it's the weekend? I shut the voice up and we both slept sound only to reappear in the morning, full gusto.

September 9th, 2005 - 22mcg Injection #8

Another Friday. They are just bittersweet, I must add that point. Everyone of them gets sweeter as I get crabbier, less sleep, and more up in the air about how I feel about anything. I did get up on my own this morning and felt really rested as far as my sleep goes last night, though. Work was ok, busier than usual and I didnt' mind. Anything to take my mind off the fact that I may go no where in my job until I find a new one. I did a lot of work today though which was good :o) My friends Bob and Melissa flew in from California tonight and I managed to get out with my sister and eat a little something out downtown in Minneapolis and have a cocktail or two. I must say that it was nice to get out of the house and not for a function of some sort. I hadn't been downtown in awhile just to go and relax and it felt pretty good. In fact, it's been pretty much all summer that I've had a free weekend with no agenda or some major event and I was very grateful. It was also the first time that my sister Lacey and I have hung out in over a month since she moved in. I was up way too late though and finally made my way into p.j.'s early Saturday am. I was so tired though, I hardly noticed what time it was anyway. I took my injection then too, because I forgot earlier. Lacey was there to help me through my "mental block" that has been plaguing me the last couple of shots. I slept immediately after that and I didn't hear anything after I closed my eyes, not even myself arguing with myself. I was just too tired to.

September 8th, 2005

I have totally fallen in love with sleep. I miss it so. I yearn for it. I need it. Yep, going a litle crazy without it. Oh well, we'll meet again some day *laughs* I had a Dr. Appointment today at 11:30am with Dr. Francis. I almost forgot. I frantically ran out of my office at 11:15 and walked into her office at 11:32. I made good time. Well my MRI's came back and they showed that I had a new lesion I believe around T2 or T3. That would explain the pain in my back while lying down and why I've been numb with this attack from middle back down to my toes. She noted that a lesion I had in my neck has significantly improved as well. As far as my cranium, who knows. There were four lesions before and it may be awhile before I get the updated progress on those. Today, again, I just don't feel like talking. I also don't feel like eating too much. Main meals and eats today = soup & caffiene. I came home from work and pretty much grabbed another bowl of soup my sister made me and off to bed I went. I'm so crabby and tired today that I just told my boyfriend I'd talk to him tomorrow and off to sleep I went. I didn't sleep much though. Figures.

September 7th, 2005 - Injection #7

I got up this morning and again I feel like my rear end is dragging somewhere about a foot behind me. I wish I could magically stun myself to wake up sometimes. UGH. Mornings are such a pain in the A**. (Kids ask your parents what that word is.) Two sunkists, two coffees later, I was awake. My skin is horrible again. I think it's because I've been living on caffienated beverages and pizza and or soup for my main three meals. Not too healthy if you ask me, but I just don't care lately. Again today, I'm just quiet and totally not myself. I physically, aside from being tired, feel awesome. My feet have finally almost returned to normal. Still waiting on the bottoms to have feeling return, but for the most part, back to normal. Mentally, a whole different can of worms. I can't figure out where my mind is, I can't concentrate, I can't say what I want to say when I want to say it, and I can't figure out words to say either. Upstairs, I need a vacation. I called the pharmacy that fills my Rebif for my insurance. They only do one month at a time prescription filling. With my insurance mail order pharmacy, they do 3 months at a time and charge you 2 copays. With name brand drugs, it makes the price drop to the generic copay. With the pharmacy for my Rebif though, no such luck. I'm starting to hate my insurance company. I'm guessing, in fact I'm sure, that I'm not alone on this one. I feel like someone should get their CEO drunk on a consistant basis until 1/2 of the inconsistencies are gone. HEY, I thought it was a good idea. I'm sure thousands of other people who have it much worse than I would agree. Tomorrow I have my follow up with Dr. Francis. She's such an awesome neurologist. I love visiting her. Seriously one of, if not THE best doctor I've ever had, besides my PA, which I also LOVE. The thing that makes or breaks a doctor for me???

My good doctor requirements:

1. Consistency
2. Communication
3. Taking time to call you personally

Both do that and they are both, in my book, worth keeping as long as possible. Tommorrow we'll see how those MRI's faired & what their reports had to say. They only did thoracic and cervical, but it will at least give an idea of what's brewing beneath the surface {insert meniacal laugh here. reference: BU WAH HA HA, The Count, Cruella DeVille} I feel like I should have giving courses tonight on injections. My sister was around for the lucky number 7 on September 7 - ooh, the coincidence. She was asking me about my rebiject pen (which I have so lovingly nicknamed "the stabber") , asking why I don't use it, how much do I inject, does it hurt, etc. It was kind of nice having someone to talk to. She's the only one I've let watch me inject myself. It seems that every day I have to do these injections, the more I mentally try to talk myself out of doing them. Not getting easier, but harder. Last night I was back in pep talk mode and I almost said to hell with it. Maybe it's just from being tired, but I ask myself, "Is it worth doing?" I decide to can my thoughts and go to bed early. I just can't be thinking like this. I don't have the health or the patience. I made a good choice though because I almost slept through the night again. That hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes, it's just batting 100. Period.

September 6th, 2005

Today I drove into work from my boyfriends house and a normal 20 minute drive to my house took me 45 minutes. There are times I wish I could magically "clear a path" in traffic. Too bad mystical powers are something I haven't quite perfected. I'm still keeping out hope though. It's such a shame nobody can hear how many curse words I can place in a row on constant streaming. Almost like radio, if you will :o)~ Good thing my mom doesn't drive with me to work or she' d have the Dove Soap on tap ready to fill my mouth. I just hate stupid drivers. They irritate me. My dad always told me "Michelle, it REALLY IS NOT YOU I am worried about. You are an excellent driver. It's the other IDIOTS I worry about." Now I know what he was talking about. Today I was so just "not there" I managed to finally sleep through the night again. It felt so good, but morning just arrives too quickly. I feel like I haven't sleep since July. Probably because in all honesty, I really haven't. I'm getting more and more wore out by the day. Up and down my emotions go. I get this "Bumming out" that I just can't explain where I just don't want to say anything or talk to anyone. It's strange. I'm not rude, just quiet, which is quiet unlike myself if I do say. Today in the mail I received a handicap sticker application from my Mom. She sent it from South Dakota. Since I have a South Dakota license, I figured there would be less tape. Totally lazy on that one. I've had a South Dakota license for the last 8 years I have lived in Minnesota because I simply refuse to believe that I should have to take the written test because I'm from another state. What could possibly be different 300 miles west? Who knows?, I never opened the book to find out! Man, I'm horrible sometimes. It's that whole Polish thing again. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn... Off to bed tonight at 12:00am. I was so wired I couldn't sleep. I finally cleaned up my room while I had some energy and can see the floor AND my bed again. Such a nice treat from a laundromat explosion that seemed to occur earlier. Good thing no one was injured in that one ;o)

September 5th, 2005 - 100TH POST & # 6

Ah, it's Happy Labor Day, no work, my sixth injection today and my 100th post! I don't know what I should be more happy about! Probably no work! Today I planned to venture out on the lake with friends, but after the storm last night the humidity has soared up and through the trees (with no leaves now, due to hail). The temperature has also soared to around 90ish degrees making this day an impossible day for most MS'ers to enjoy outside. I don't even care much though. I'm so happy that it's another day off that I took the liberty of power lounging indoors and finishing a project that I was knitting and starting another. The WHOLE day I might add that I spent this way. My phone didn't ring, I didn't call anyone, nothing. Just me, my knitting needles and my quiet time. I can't tell you how quiet it was. I ate a little grilled food tonight which was awesome, but really haven't had an appetite today. I do feel a little bit down and I really haven't said anything of anything today. I feel like I'm snappy from exhaustion and almost a little depressed. I try to just be quiet most of the day and knit to take my mind off thinking about it. I make a mental note to mind how I feel in case it becomes a regular thing. It's a side effect of Rebif to have a bit of depression and since it runs in my family, I don't want to swing the pendulum anymore my way if I don't have to. I decide to retire early tonight and by my early, I mean around 10:00. I took my injection in my right leg with no problems. There is still a rash on my left side of my belly and a bruise on my right leg yet though. I wonder when they will go away? Soon, I hope. I crashed and hard, but to my dismay 3 hours later was up with the most annoying phenomenon. Sweats, chills, fever, and nausea. I even took my Walprofen and it didn't seem to ward them off at all. I don't know why, but tonight was the worst night yet. I was up until 4:00 am and I was crabby, cold, and hot and cold and I think the dog was ready to kick me out of bed. I don't blame her one bit.

September 4th, 2005

Today was recovery day from being up all night dancing and then being up all night from a storm. I made it to breakfast at 11:30am with a bunch of friends and then off to bed I went. Not too much too tell. I had the best steak and eggs this morning which took my mind of the fact that I had a cigarette or too last night. I know. Naughty. Sometimes weddings bring out the best of us AND the worst of our habits, i.e. a little imbibing or a lot of imbibing depending on your relation to the wedding party members. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Isn't that always the key part of that phrase??? "AT THE TIME?" I paid the price for it though. ONE GINORMOUS HEADACHE! (and rightfully deserving I was, I WILL admit). I headed off to bed and took a nap all afternoon. I finally got up around 5:30pm. I needed the sleep. I noticed that I spoke too soon and I quote, " I've not had any site reactions at all". I forgot to knock on wood apparently because my tummy on the left side now has a rash and my left leg has one, too! Poo! Good thing no one can see them. I finally made my way up and over to a friend's house for a dinner bbquizzle (bbq if you will). Good thing I didn't have to cook, because the only thing on my menu that night: cereal. Thanks Sean for making some very mean bbq beer ribs. I owe you. Off to bed at 9:oopm and I can't even tell you how thankful I am that tomorrow is a holiday. Happy Labor Day No One Has To Work Day!!! Cheers!

September 3rd, 2005

Ok, so last night I went to bed at 2:00am and this morning I COULD NOT sleep in. I was up at 8-flipping O'clock. That is up way to early Saturday when you were up way too late on a Friday for those of you who don't know what 8-flipping O'clock is. That leads me to ask myself "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?" Grr. I just got up. I can't sleep as hard as I try. Today Ryan & Jillene are getting married. I feel like ick in everything I wear today and the weather has tipped in at a nice balmy 60 degrees. Brr, and it's started to drizzle now, too. It's not a real great day for a wedding in my book, but we're rolling with it. I ventured out to find something to make me feel a bit less of a weirdo. I don't care how big or small you are, sometimes you just don't feel comfortable in what you wear. I've gained a little weight back, but my clothes just fit weird lately. I found this little black long sleeve, sexy number that was made out of tee shirt material after an hour of trying on everything under the sun at the mall. It screamed, "Wear me I'm comfy and I feel good". I finally decided on some white capris, that became peddle pushers with some cuffing and an iron and I got to wear heels. I was so excited. Since my episode has taken the greater part of the warmer summer months, heels have been totally off limits. My feet were so happy and so was I. I finally felt sexy after two months of blah. Totally worth the wait. The wedding was beautiful. As for the weather, it downpoured 20 minutes before the ceremony was to start and most of the reception dinner which flooded the tent we sat in. Oh well, life isn't perfect. Jillene was stunning, Ryan was handsome as ever and the two were in my book, perfect together & happy. I sang them a rendition of Allison Krauss' "When You Say Nothing at All" at the ceremony to which they were grateful. I didn't know all the words and winged it, but they didn't care, nobody even noticed much I don't think after the open bar, LOL. I was off to bed at 2:00am and I was exhausted. My feet felt great after dancing and my heel excursion, but I needed some sleep. The storm of the century landed at 3:30 and kept me up from 4:00am to 7:00am. I was trying to sleep through it, but with ping pong ball size hail it was impossible. Par for the course though, as it was a beautiful day in the end, I felt beautiful and sometimes a good storm just helps cleans things up and put things in a whole other light...

September 2nd, 2005 - Injection #5

So today is Friday again and how sweet Fridays are. I was actually at work until 7pm finishing work that had been backed up from upgrading our servers for the last two days. Why I stayed, I have no idea? I just did. I never go home before I am supposed to. Always a half an hour or more later than the time I am supposed to leave. I gave another two bills this week to our HR guy today to reimburse for health insurance.

Running totals for this year since March:
In network deductible remaining: $237.68
Out of network deductible remaining: $810.28

Fortune Teller Say: "I see a deductible met here very near in the future, give me five dollars". My 5 days of IV treatment and two MRI's haven't even hit the numbers yet. Geez, medical stuff is outrageous. I took off finally at 7pm, packed some bags for the boyfriends house and off I went. I'm so happy this week is over. Between taking care of a petting zoo while my sister is out of town (2dogs, 2 ferrets) and trying to keep my professionalism and my calm this week, I'm exhausted. I actually only stopped for a bit to drop off my bags because I was off to some pre wedding festivities with some girlfriends. My friend Jillene is getting married tomorrow so I have yet another wedding to attend tomorrow. They just keep coming! So many weddings, so little summer. I played sober cab to a few girlfriends who were enjoying the festivities (Crissy and Robin were so cute all giggly) and finally hit the sheets at 2:00am. Before I hit the hay, I maneuvered injection #5 in the left leg. I just figured I'd rotate my sites in clockwise order so I don't get confused. (It does happen, ask my mom.) So far, that routine is working well. I did it and I think there's a little less phat, er fat in my leg than my tummy and it bled for a little bit. I did it when I came home at 2:00 am because I forgot earlier during my bag drop N' run. Oops. It seemed to smart in the leg a little, too. I'm going to have to check my chart and where/how to measure distances for injections again. That's twice now it's hurt and the last 3 times there wasn't anything. Maybe I'm overthinking. It's been known to happen. I slept like a brick tonight. Plop, bang, done, out. I probably should have been to bed a bit sooner, but how often do people you REALLY like get married? I'd bet in all honesty, of all the weddings we attend in our lifetime, only 10% are people we REALLY like. The rest are obligations. Not that I don't wish people well, just saying... Anyone have any thoughts on this?

September 1st, 2005

Today I took off for lunch and made a run to Joann fabrics to get some yarn to finish a baby hoody project that I've been putting on hold for the last three weeks due to my little episode. Still upset about "el raiso", too, so I needed to get out of work for a bit. Oh well, I'm a little less upset about it each day. Just keep doing your job I tell myself. I noticed that my spot where my injection was last night is turning a bit red and is getting more sore. I think for sure I injected in the wrong spot now. Oh well, I sure won't try and do that again. My feet feel so good today and especially tonight walking across the cold hardwood floors before bed. I feel like dancing. Yum. I went to bed early tonight and slept completely through again. Three out of five nights a week is definately more than I could have asked for a month ago, so I'm not complaining one bit. Be thankful I tell myself that things luckily have returned to normal after my attacks. Some people are just not that lucky. FOOTNOTE: My room looks like it BLEW UP. Some people are just not THAT lucky, either. From the looks of my tornado, er room disaster, you'd think my hands were numb!